Into The Heart Of Darkness At The Sammi Sweetheart Designer Sweatpants Fashion Show

“The offing was barred by a black bank of clouds, and the tranquil water-way leading to the uttermost ends of the earth flowed somber under an overcast sky–seemed to lead into the heart of an immense darkness.” -Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness

Yesterday, at approximately 12:45, I arrived at a fashion show. This may not sound terribly unusual for a woman of my profession during the fashion season. But today was different; the air was thinner somehow. I was used to civilized presentations but had been promised a spectacle the likes of which I’d never seen, though I knew little more. Upon arriving at the arena, I discovered an inscription–this was to be a collection of athletic wear designed by Samantha Giancola, know occasionally as Sammi Sweetheart of MTV’s doomed documentary series Jersey Shore. As I ascended the steps of the looming Metropolitan Pavilion and slipped inside, I wondered, “Why would athletic wear necessitate such fanfare?” It was decadence, I’d learn. Decadence all.

Inside, I came upon many grim casualties of cosmetic surgery. They milled about listless with their Louis Vuitton bags, blank eyes searching for a youth they could never recover. They rustled together on towering heels in a long line leading to a trio of PR girls, wielding three clipboards with great gravity and menace. The Erinyes. As I signed in and received my seating assignment, I could hear peculiar music throbbing beyond.

I arrived at my seat a few moments later to find this:

Was it blood, I wondered? Surely the dark splatter across my intended seat was a portent of some kind. Unsettled, I decided to take a walk and observe the facilities, to witness the machinations beyond.

These were the first humans I found. I thought it encouraging that they wished to communicate “peace.” Both, in fact:

Of what kind and with whom, I did not know. But I deduced that they would not harm me. Still uneasy from what I’d seen at my seat, I thought it cold comfort.

At a booth professing that the explorer of this place “Think thin,” I found a man attacking the lights. I figured him crazed by want of thinness.

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    • Anon

      Of course you returned to the sugared cakes.

    • Pants

      But… but…. how was the vodka? And the little cakey things?

      • Ashley Cardiff

        I think I’m incapable of actually consuming flavored vodkas and cupcakes. So, sadly, that was all an elaborate forgery.

    • Maggie

      This was awesome. Well done, Ashley.

    • Kit

      This is brilliant.

    • Fabel

      Omg, yes. YES. So good.

    • Katie

      I just reread Heart of Darkness (and Lord Jim!) and this was amazing.

    • Cate

      At first I was horrified that a sweatpants fashion show exists. As I started reading, however, my horror subsided and was replaced by pure amusement and laughter. Now I have a stitch in my side, thanks.

    • Sarah

      I have laughed more reading this than I have during the rest of today, combined. This is excellent

    • Kimberly @ Twen-Teen

      possibly the best commentary on a fashion show ever. I hope you went to the afterparty.

    • Kimberly @ Twen-Teen

      unrelated, but does anyone else see the irony in the name Sammi Sweetheart? She’s kind of a giant bitch.

    • Samantha Escobar

      “Next I found a barrel of talismans from a lost culture. “Monster,” they were called.”
      “He was their king.”
      I LOL’d. Hard.