• Tue, Sep 11 2012

Into The Heart Of Darkness At The Sammi Sweetheart Designer Sweatpants Fashion Show

Next I found a barrel of talismans from a lost culture. “Monster,” they were called. Though I could not deduce their purpose, the markings along the edges were unmistakeable: Mayan. I could not help but think all who dwelt here might be so named.

Next I chanced upon a welcome sight: it was Be. the wine for women! I must say that in such a lonely place as this, it was of no small solace to remember that I, too, could enjoy the grape. Most wines disrupt mystique, you likely know, but Be. is divided by the four primary female traits: flirtiness, freshness, brightness and radiance. One must simply choose her identify from the four and then may drink freely, without fear of abrupt, irreparable masculinity descending on her delicate form.

The time was drawing later. I began a quest for sustenance and found these small sugared cakes from absent members of the tribe Stoli. Alas, they appeared as offerings to some unseen idol–Salted Karamel, I learned–and I thought it dangerous to partake.

I wondered more and time continued to pass. I had not eaten. By a matter of terrible chance, I upon their sacred place and the idol they worshipped. It gleamed there, its impossible richness caressed by a frosted vase. I knew it was not prudent but the dread of this place had overtaken me. I drank.

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  • Anon

    Of course you returned to the sugared cakes.

  • Pants

    But… but…. how was the vodka? And the little cakey things?

    • Ashley Cardiff

      I think I’m incapable of actually consuming flavored vodkas and cupcakes. So, sadly, that was all an elaborate forgery.

  • Maggie

    This was awesome. Well done, Ashley.

  • Kit

    This is brilliant.

  • Fabel

    Omg, yes. YES. So good.

  • Katie

    I just reread Heart of Darkness (and Lord Jim!) and this was amazing.

  • Cate

    At first I was horrified that a sweatpants fashion show exists. As I started reading, however, my horror subsided and was replaced by pure amusement and laughter. Now I have a stitch in my side, thanks.

  • Sarah

    I have laughed more reading this than I have during the rest of today, combined. This is excellent

  • Kimberly @ Twen-Teen

    possibly the best commentary on a fashion show ever. I hope you went to the afterparty.

  • Kimberly @ Twen-Teen

    unrelated, but does anyone else see the irony in the name Sammi Sweetheart? She’s kind of a giant bitch.

  • Samantha Escobar

    “Next I found a barrel of talismans from a lost culture. “Monster,” they were called.”
    “He was their king.”
    I LOL’d. Hard.