I saw this woman with really short hair in the grocery store. I always notice women with really short hair because I have really short hair, so it’s kind of a solidarity thing.
“Nice hair,” I thought, admiring how it tufted a little.
She turned slightly and I could see a sliver of her face. I paused, mid-step, my shopping basket held aloft. She was stunning. Like, abnormally beautiful. Like, freakishly attractive. Like—
Oh, wait. She was Anne Hathaway.
OK, so this was exciting for several reasons.
- I have lived in New York City for four years now, and this was the FIRST time I’ve ever run into a celebrity. I have friends who see Matthew Broderick on the street literally the first time they’re in the city. When they’re visiting me, right after they come up out of the subway. Every other person I know in who has ever been in this city has come across a celebrity. My mother-in-law once took an elevator with Tracy Morgan. I was beginning to feel like there was either something wrong with my eyesight or maybe I don’t ever leave my apartment. Or I am cursed.
- Anne Hathaway is a classy celebrity! It’s not like running into JWoww or something.
- She has short hair now.
She is also really, really skinny now. I think both the short hair and the skinniness are for a role. In Les Miserables.
As soon as I saw it was Anne Hathaway, I got predictably weird and tried to quickly turn away so that she didn’t catch me staring at her. I marched purposefully up to the meat counter and ordered lots of sliced turkey. Then I glanced surreptitiously over my shoulder. She was gone.
I went around to the other side of the store, for cheese and bacon. And then doubled back for a loaf of bread. And some of those crab rolls. And pasta and tomato sauce. And then some more cheese, because you can never have enough cheese!
I caught another glimpse of Anne Hathaway between aisles. She had her sunglasses on now. Shit. She was obviously feeling stalked. She was with a bearded guy, who seemed to be her boyfriend (fiancé, I found later, when I looked it up). They weren’t speaking to each other, and seemed uneasy and a little grim.
I wanted to get out of the store as quickly as possible, now that Anne Hathaway had her sunglasses up as a warning. I went to the register, lugging my many pounds of food, and the guy behind the counter ran it all through the scanner. At the last moment, I realized that I really needed a cookie. There were a bunch in this jar, sitting right there on the counter.