My Very Secret Fashion Week Diary: How Fashion Week Makes You Feel Like A Lame, Friendless 7th Grader

milly 2013

You should only go to one fashion show. Just one. Save yourself for one.

Not because I was brainwashed by the speech about how you should save yourself for only one so it’s special that makes up abstinence teaching in high school. I don’t believe sex is like a pizza slice and if you share it with a lot of people then you have . . . a really weird pizza party. A culinary adventure, that’s what I guess you have.

I do believe you should go to only one fashion show because attending fashion shows is awful.

You know how Hemingway said that whenever he imagined heaven he always saw the action taking place at the Paris Ritz?

Whenever I imagine hell, I imagine Fashion Week at Lincoln Center.

No matter how cool you feel going to the show - and I looked tired, and I was also kind of sweaty because that morning I actually thought “fuck the man making me pay 30% more! I’m not even going to use deodorant!” – you will feel uncool as soon as you step through the doors. You will instantly see people who look much better than you. They will be skinnier and they will be taller and they will have all the physical traits you wished you had. They will also be better dressed. It is like suddenly being the uncool kid in the cafeteria again as soon as you enter, but this time everyone is trying to overcompensate by shouting about how important they are into their cell phones. So, you know, it’s much louder.

You know what made me really happy when I got there? Free Fiber One bars. They were the caramel chocolate pretzel 90 calorie kind. People say they’re not better for you than candy bars, but you know what? They are more delicious than candy bars.

I kept thinking about that publicist that said she’d been living on unseasoned chicken and steamed broccoli for months so she could be at Fashion Week. If you need a refresher she told CNN: 

“You want to go to events wearing the designers’ clothes, and you can’t do that with a flabby belly . . . Every woman should get to experience it once, even if you don’t go through what we have to go through.”

And . . . oh, dear, no. Every woman should experience the Paris Ritz, and chocolate French Toast at Norma’s and hugs and good sex, and I think, depending on her tolerance for sand, a sunrise or sunset on a beach. I myself would, one day, like to see a bunch of baby turtles just hatching, and play elephant polo, and eat a $1,000 ice cream sundae, though not at once, or even on the same trip. All of these things seem desirable.

Every woman should not experience NYFW, because mentalities like that publicist’s make it terrible. They make it a scary, stressful experience designed to make you feel age twelve and uncool again. Also, I genuinely suspect that a lot of the women there are quite angry just because they have restricted themselves to 500 calories a day.

I hid and ate a Fiber One bar in the bathroom as soon as I got there. I wish I were joking.

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    • SB

      Does your internal monologue have a newsletter I could subscribe to?

    • Liana

      Visorgogs. Those protective glasses were called Visorgogs.

      • Jennifer Wright

        I don’t often say this, but that would be such a good name for a band.

    • MR

      Yeah as a lowly guy, I don’t follow your fashion stuff. Though I saw the WSJ had an article today totally trashing the Week, calling it Deja vu. I’ll look for it and post it to you later.

    • mm

      I’ve always wanted to go to fashion week, but I’m pretty sure if I went I would feel the exact same way. I would probably hide in a corner and text a friend about how scary it is. Love the creeper shots of random people aahahah this is a hilarious post. If you go again bring someone with you so you’re not all alone freaked out! Or, you can pretend to be someone REALLY important and walk around all day calling everyone “dahhling.” There was a girl in my one and only acting class in LA who did that…she was obnoxious and worked as a waitress but on the first day of class I got the impression that she was a weathered actress who just hadn’t gotten famous yet. Since you were there for just one day, it would probably work.

    • Kj

      Saturn devouring his children! By Goya! Spanish studies FTW!

      I know just how you feel… I was limping down King West (aka, the second most ridiculously expensive area in Toronto) this evening after an afternoon of shilling cheap wine at the liquor store, and everyone there is so ridiculously good looking and well dressed and I suddenly feel like the biggest hick of all time who can never hope to ever reach the levels of awesome of these city folk.

      Anyhow, if it’s any consolation, you seem cool enough to intimidate me any time :)

    • Kimberly @ Twen-Teen

      I’ve met Tinsley, she’s nice! And I loved Southern Charm too.

      Am I the only person who finds it hilarious that Fiber One bars are the “official snack” of fashion week? Isn’t that like Nike being the official sneaker of the paralympics?

      Also, this.