My Very Secret Fashion Week Diary: How Fashion Week Makes You Feel Like A Lame, Friendless 7th Grader

I think the Milly fashion show was the one invite I wanted, in part because the clothes seem so young. I mean not the way Fashion Week makes you feel young, the way love makes Frank Sinatra feel young.

I mean, in addition to seeming girlish, it often feels like Milly designs are channeling an earlier era. Bows and polka-dots, accessorized by pearls, ringlets, and a soupcon of anti-semitism.

I waited in line for an hour. I actually waited in two lines. I’d say the second line was the louder line. I sort of balanced my purse on my hip and tried to read my book while standing up. (Life and Loves of a She-Devil. Fay Weldon. According to The New York Times it is a “tour de farce”.)

And then I was seated. In the second row.

I realize that being in the second row is often seen as some kind of insult among a certain group. I think in one episode of The Real Housewives of New York one of the housewives actually stormed out of a show in a rage at not being in the front row. That seems like the kind of move that happens a good deal at Fashion Week.

But the second row is excellent. And in my case, I’m sure it was a mistake. I hardly even know any fashion words. I had to look up “peplum” to make sure I had the correct definition before I arrived.

I suppose being seated in the second row of a fashion show is a bit like winning a silver medal at the Olympics, but that is still pretty impressive if you were only intended to compete in the Special Olympics.

All of a sudden it felt like being at the cool kids’ table. I realized no one sitting next to me was actually going to be famous, famous, by which I mean “likely to star in a movie with Channing Tatum”. (Is that what it means, now?) Apparently Ryan Lochte was in the front row, but I was not near him and he really doesn’t seem like he’s much of a conversationalist.

But I figured people next to me might be half famous. I thought about turning to the woman beside me and saying, “Are you mildly famous? Do you perhaps host a show on the History channel?” I think that would be fun. I once saw a woman introducing every episode of The Tudors and I have no idea who she was, but it seemed like a neat job.

I didn’t do that. 80% of the words I think of saying to people I never actually speak aloud.

Models began to walk.

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    • SB

      Does your internal monologue have a newsletter I could subscribe to?

    • Liana

      Visorgogs. Those protective glasses were called Visorgogs.

      • Jennifer Wright

        I don’t often say this, but that would be such a good name for a band.

    • MR

      Yeah as a lowly guy, I don’t follow your fashion stuff. Though I saw the WSJ had an article today totally trashing the Week, calling it Deja vu. I’ll look for it and post it to you later.

    • mm

      I’ve always wanted to go to fashion week, but I’m pretty sure if I went I would feel the exact same way. I would probably hide in a corner and text a friend about how scary it is. Love the creeper shots of random people aahahah this is a hilarious post. If you go again bring someone with you so you’re not all alone freaked out! Or, you can pretend to be someone REALLY important and walk around all day calling everyone “dahhling.” There was a girl in my one and only acting class in LA who did that…she was obnoxious and worked as a waitress but on the first day of class I got the impression that she was a weathered actress who just hadn’t gotten famous yet. Since you were there for just one day, it would probably work.

    • Kj

      Saturn devouring his children! By Goya! Spanish studies FTW!

      I know just how you feel… I was limping down King West (aka, the second most ridiculously expensive area in Toronto) this evening after an afternoon of shilling cheap wine at the liquor store, and everyone there is so ridiculously good looking and well dressed and I suddenly feel like the biggest hick of all time who can never hope to ever reach the levels of awesome of these city folk.

      Anyhow, if it’s any consolation, you seem cool enough to intimidate me any time :)

    • Kimberly @ Twen-Teen

      I’ve met Tinsley, she’s nice! And I loved Southern Charm too.

      Am I the only person who finds it hilarious that Fiber One bars are the “official snack” of fashion week? Isn’t that like Nike being the official sneaker of the paralympics?

      Also, this.