My Very Secret Fashion Week Diary: How Fashion Week Makes You Feel Like A Lame, Friendless 7th Grader

They wore a lot of neon. It was all so bright and bold and colorful! Apparently the theme was surrealism. There were a lot of scuba dresses.

I just used up all the fashion words I know, right there.



I don’t think there were peplums there.

The models also wore a lot of neon yellow eyeshadow, which is odd, because I always think of eyeshadow as something intended to make your eyes look larger, whereas neon eyeshadow just makes you look like you’re in the X-Men. Mystique. I’m thinking of Mystique, specifically.

x men mystique

The models also wore those protective glasses you had to wear in 7th grade science class.

Do you remember those? They looked like this. Or this is what they looked like on models at the Milly show.

milly 2013 Pic via Fashion ETC

I remember in 7th grade, I had this science teacher who I, to this day, really don’t think liked me. She made me stay after school once because I had forgotten some element of lab preparation. And after about an hour of sitting there re-doing an experiment, another girl came in. I think she was a year ahead of me. She was one of those effortlessly cool girls who played lacrosse. Apparently she stopped by just to talk, and it was clear that this science teacher, who I was sure hated everyone, was having a ball with this girl. She was asking her if all the guys were in love with her. It was like this really weird scene out of Saved by the Bell, a show I had never, until that moment, found remotely believable, mostly because I thought no high schooler could have such a chatty relationship with their principal.

In that moment I realized that all the issues I thought I could escape when I graduated from junior high were inescapable. It was not, as an adult, going to be enough to be smart, or interesting, or even pretty. I was going to have to – by some witchcraft, probably – figure out a way to make people like me. And I remember thinking “oh, shit.”  Then the teacher turned and told me that I had forgotten to put on protective glasses and I would have to go home with no credit for the experiment.

That was where the part about the protective glasses came in.

I wish I had told myself that leaving the confines of junior high goes a long way in people liking you.

Moving to New York helps, too.

But I still remember protective glasses. It is the only thing about 7th grade science class I remember, other than that lakes make the land beside them warmer in the winter (they retain heat!) and colder in the summer. (I don’t really remember why! Hidden icebergs? Stuff Titanic captains should have known?)

So, that was odd.

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    • SB

      Does your internal monologue have a newsletter I could subscribe to?

    • Liana

      Visorgogs. Those protective glasses were called Visorgogs.

      • Jennifer Wright

        I don’t often say this, but that would be such a good name for a band.

    • MR

      Yeah as a lowly guy, I don’t follow your fashion stuff. Though I saw the WSJ had an article today totally trashing the Week, calling it Deja vu. I’ll look for it and post it to you later.

    • mm

      I’ve always wanted to go to fashion week, but I’m pretty sure if I went I would feel the exact same way. I would probably hide in a corner and text a friend about how scary it is. Love the creeper shots of random people aahahah this is a hilarious post. If you go again bring someone with you so you’re not all alone freaked out! Or, you can pretend to be someone REALLY important and walk around all day calling everyone “dahhling.” There was a girl in my one and only acting class in LA who did that…she was obnoxious and worked as a waitress but on the first day of class I got the impression that she was a weathered actress who just hadn’t gotten famous yet. Since you were there for just one day, it would probably work.

    • Kj

      Saturn devouring his children! By Goya! Spanish studies FTW!

      I know just how you feel… I was limping down King West (aka, the second most ridiculously expensive area in Toronto) this evening after an afternoon of shilling cheap wine at the liquor store, and everyone there is so ridiculously good looking and well dressed and I suddenly feel like the biggest hick of all time who can never hope to ever reach the levels of awesome of these city folk.

      Anyhow, if it’s any consolation, you seem cool enough to intimidate me any time :)

    • Kimberly @ Twen-Teen

      I’ve met Tinsley, she’s nice! And I loved Southern Charm too.

      Am I the only person who finds it hilarious that Fiber One bars are the “official snack” of fashion week? Isn’t that like Nike being the official sneaker of the paralympics?

      Also, this.