My Very Secret Fashion Week Diary: How Fashion Week Makes You Feel Like A Lame, Friendless 7th Grader

Frankly, I got a little bit bored watching the models. They played some song that had lyrics about how a man’s parents would like you because you are “fucking lovely.” It sounded like the kind of song I’d listen to on the treadmill, so I sincerely wish I had paid more attention. I started looking at other people in the audience and making up little stories about how they were marginally famous. Would you like to see them? I took some pictures for you!

I thought this woman was so perfectly dressed, but she did not smile the entire time, even when I tried to wave at her:

I think she is a fashion editor at Vogue Italia who has made great strides in her career despite having the same disability as that girl on that one episode of Boston Legal.

Then there was this girl who wore heart shaped glasses, and did not look up from her phone once:

I think she had a recording device in the glasses and illegal, pirated copies of the show are going to be all over the streets of Bombay by tomorrow morning.

And then I became obsessed with this lady, because she looked so icy and Nordic, like a strong boned aging Grace Kelly who a film noir director would have just loved:

I’m pretty sure she is undead, but she is really careful about it, and none of her parts have fallen off.

And, oh, I almost forgot, I took a picture of one lady eating outside at the cafe before going in:

Isn’t she marvelous? She has seven harem boys and all of them are named “Bruno” because I think it’s a funny name. She pronounces it “Bah-run-oh.”

But this lady, she was my favorite, because, in addition to being beautiful, she was the only one who looked just plain happy to be there:

I don’t know a damn thing about who she is, but I am pretty sure she didn’t starve herself on steamed broccoli. She just looked happy and fresh and I wanted to run up to her and say “how should a person be?” but that bitch Sheila Heti steals all the good lines.

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    • SB

      Does your internal monologue have a newsletter I could subscribe to?

    • Liana

      Visorgogs. Those protective glasses were called Visorgogs.

      • Jennifer Wright

        I don’t often say this, but that would be such a good name for a band.

    • MR

      Yeah as a lowly guy, I don’t follow your fashion stuff. Though I saw the WSJ had an article today totally trashing the Week, calling it Deja vu. I’ll look for it and post it to you later.

    • mm

      I’ve always wanted to go to fashion week, but I’m pretty sure if I went I would feel the exact same way. I would probably hide in a corner and text a friend about how scary it is. Love the creeper shots of random people aahahah this is a hilarious post. If you go again bring someone with you so you’re not all alone freaked out! Or, you can pretend to be someone REALLY important and walk around all day calling everyone “dahhling.” There was a girl in my one and only acting class in LA who did that…she was obnoxious and worked as a waitress but on the first day of class I got the impression that she was a weathered actress who just hadn’t gotten famous yet. Since you were there for just one day, it would probably work.

    • Kj

      Saturn devouring his children! By Goya! Spanish studies FTW!

      I know just how you feel… I was limping down King West (aka, the second most ridiculously expensive area in Toronto) this evening after an afternoon of shilling cheap wine at the liquor store, and everyone there is so ridiculously good looking and well dressed and I suddenly feel like the biggest hick of all time who can never hope to ever reach the levels of awesome of these city folk.

      Anyhow, if it’s any consolation, you seem cool enough to intimidate me any time :)

    • Kimberly @ Twen-Teen

      I’ve met Tinsley, she’s nice! And I loved Southern Charm too.

      Am I the only person who finds it hilarious that Fiber One bars are the “official snack” of fashion week? Isn’t that like Nike being the official sneaker of the paralympics?

      Also, this.