My Very Secret Diary: Henri Bendel Debuted Their New Chocolate Bar And We Thought About The Apocalypse

I periodically wonder that I never became bulimic.

Today I am pretty much 100% convinced that bulimia is one of the ten worst ideas you could possibly have. Just such a very, very bad idea. Please don’t do that. Just, don’t do that, really.You will end up spitting blood.

But still, when I was younger, I can’t believe that bulimia didn’t strike me as a way to counter my natural propensity for vanity with my profound, passionate love for food. It never did. Instead I just eat a really high protein diet, and regulate my cheat days, and go to Physique 57 three times a week, and run, and think about food all the time. 

I read somewhere – I’m pretty sure it was Steven King’s On Writing - that the test of an alcoholic is that when you ask him how much he is going to drink, the instinctive response is “all of it.” All that is available. And that when an alcoholic sees someone walking away from a half full glass of wine, he wants to run over and say “finish that, finish that, aren’t you going to finish that?”

Whenever I see women staring at a piece of cake, saying “oh, that is too big, who could possibly eat all of that?” my instinctive response is “me. Me, I will eat that. Give that to me and I will eat it for you, me, me, me. I will eat that. Me.”

Periodically people decide that my food obsession must be a terrible thing. And they want to help me not think about food. Like this commenter:

       As far as diet is concerned, if you eat the right things, you won’t crave things like ice cream cake. My 130g+ of protein seems to keep me away from craving junk  food. Couple that with lots of apples, bananas, and other good fruits, your body won’t crave fatty foods as much. I used to love junk food, but now I have no urge to eat it.

Well, okay.

That sounds awful.

One day I’m going to write a novel about a futuristic dystopia where food is outlawed and everyone is incredibly healthy and only eats pills, because that’s the worst thing I could imagine. The hero is going to run an underground macaron speakeasy.

I understand rationing when you want to eat junk food if you want to be (or appear) fit. I just don’t understand why you would not want it. I mean, eating delicious food is something really, really, really pleasurable that – unlike something really, really, really pleasurable like heroin – will not completely destroy your life.

I am a little obsessive. But food is my only real obsession, and it gives me unbelievable pleasure to sit around looking at menus and thinking about events where I’m going to  eat delicious creations.

So. You cannot imagine how much I have been looking forward to the opening of the new snack bar at Henri Bendel.

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    • Eagle Eye

      “me. Me, I will eat that. Give that to me and I will eat it for you, me, me, me. I will eat that. Me.”

      This.

      Also, probably one of the best lines I’ve ever read at the gloss.

      Also, yes.

    • Renee

      I so very strongly feel like you are an alternative version of me. Like who I would have become if I was born to your parents at that exact time and place as you were…which is a weird thing to say, and kind of a compliment? Or it was meant to be at least.

      I love food. I do. I love all the food, from the greasy fast food that doesn’t actually count as food, to the decadant 5-star restaurant meals, to the healthy veggie laden meals I prepare for myself when I am trying to be “healthy”. I love it all, and I would consume a large portion of the world if it was physically possible. But then I feel really guilty about my gluttony, and worry that the villagers will soon be coming with pitchforks and torches to burn my fat ass at the stake. I am a caricature of a fat person, constantly thinking “FOOD” and trying to hide my true identity! It is weirdly comforting that someone who appears to be healthy and beautiful can have some of these same thoughts. I thought they were just for us fat-monsters.

      • Jennifer Wright

        One of my worst fears is that I will not get a lot of advance notice before my death – like, I do not want to be hit by a truck or something. I want a year’s warning, so in that year I can just let go and eat absolutely everything.

      • Jennifer Wright

        Oh! Oh! And in this Abert Brooks/Meryl Streep comedy called “defending your life” (it’s about people in purgatory arguing about whether or not they should get to go to heaven) heaven is a place where you can eat anything you want and never get full and never gain weight, so people just eat constantly. The rest of the movie is okay, but I filed that bit away as an essential tidbit of “what utopia is like.”

      • Renee

        I fucking love “Defending Your Life”! Mainly because of the food!

    • Fabel

      I want to highlight & copy like, swaths of your paragraphs sometimes just to paste them into the comment box with quotations around it & go “YES YES, THIS, <3, YES!!" (because I can be inarticulate sometimes) but I'll settle for just this one:

      "…you’re probably never going to read one of these reports/Very Secret Diary entries that runs “I went out and talked to people and made new friends and was totally normal about everything.” It’s just not how I roll. I don’t even know how people do that. I thought you made friends by carefully observing others’ movements until you felt safe saying something about a dinosaur being Karl Lagerfeld’s mother and, if they didn’t laugh, never talking to them again and moving into a trailer outside the local liquor store so you could be closer to your real friends, Jack Daniels and Jim Bean."

      GAH yes, that is how I feel inside.

      P.S. Okay, also: chocolate sandwich cookies drenched in Belgian chocolate? HOLY FUCK I hope you at least stole them all for later eating.

    • Kristina

      “Incidentally, you’re probably never going to read one of these reports/Very Secret Diary entries that runs ‘I went out and talked to people and made new friends and was totally normal about everything.’ It’s just not how I roll.”

      Please never, ever, ever roll that way. You would make the lives of millions of gloss readers very sad indeed. There are millions. I said so.