My Very Secret Diary: Henri Bendel Debuted Their New Chocolate Bar And We Thought About The Apocalypse

I checked in with Ashley almost every day to make sure that we had RSVP’ed. This was the invitation. I stared at it a lot:

bendel snack bar
“Have we RSVP’ed? You’re sure we RSVP’ed? I like the way she has a bow in her hair. And cake. They made candles shaped like H and B. Like Henri Bendel. Hah! Hah!”

Ashley began patting me gently on the hand and reminding me that we had RSVP’ed, collectively four times, and implying if we did it anymore the publicists would think we had Alzheimer’s.

And then the day came and oh, my God, it did not disappoint.

I accidentally went in the exit and climbed over a rope to get in, but I didn’t care. I just climbed right in. Little ropes can’t keep me out.

Seriously, this Snack Bar was insane. There were chocolate covered potato chips. Is there a more delicious combination than chocolate and potato chips? You know what, I’ll just answer for you. No.

I don’t know. Maybe there is. There are a lot of foods I’ve never had. I’ve never had blowfish, for instance. Or a human heart.

I ate a chocolate covered potato chip. It was very, very good, but now that I have considered, it is possible there are better things, just things I don’t know about. By the same token your favorite color could be plihhghf – it’s just plihhghf won’t exist on the color spectrum until 2050.

I think I’m trying to say it was a very nice chocolate covered potato chip and I wish I could have eaten 75 of them.

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    • Eagle Eye

      “me. Me, I will eat that. Give that to me and I will eat it for you, me, me, me. I will eat that. Me.”

      This.

      Also, probably one of the best lines I’ve ever read at the gloss.

      Also, yes.

    • Renee

      I so very strongly feel like you are an alternative version of me. Like who I would have become if I was born to your parents at that exact time and place as you were…which is a weird thing to say, and kind of a compliment? Or it was meant to be at least.

      I love food. I do. I love all the food, from the greasy fast food that doesn’t actually count as food, to the decadant 5-star restaurant meals, to the healthy veggie laden meals I prepare for myself when I am trying to be “healthy”. I love it all, and I would consume a large portion of the world if it was physically possible. But then I feel really guilty about my gluttony, and worry that the villagers will soon be coming with pitchforks and torches to burn my fat ass at the stake. I am a caricature of a fat person, constantly thinking “FOOD” and trying to hide my true identity! It is weirdly comforting that someone who appears to be healthy and beautiful can have some of these same thoughts. I thought they were just for us fat-monsters.

      • Jennifer Wright

        One of my worst fears is that I will not get a lot of advance notice before my death – like, I do not want to be hit by a truck or something. I want a year’s warning, so in that year I can just let go and eat absolutely everything.

      • Jennifer Wright

        Oh! Oh! And in this Abert Brooks/Meryl Streep comedy called “defending your life” (it’s about people in purgatory arguing about whether or not they should get to go to heaven) heaven is a place where you can eat anything you want and never get full and never gain weight, so people just eat constantly. The rest of the movie is okay, but I filed that bit away as an essential tidbit of “what utopia is like.”

      • Renee

        I fucking love “Defending Your Life”! Mainly because of the food!

    • Fabel

      I want to highlight & copy like, swaths of your paragraphs sometimes just to paste them into the comment box with quotations around it & go “YES YES, THIS, <3, YES!!" (because I can be inarticulate sometimes) but I'll settle for just this one:

      "…you’re probably never going to read one of these reports/Very Secret Diary entries that runs “I went out and talked to people and made new friends and was totally normal about everything.” It’s just not how I roll. I don’t even know how people do that. I thought you made friends by carefully observing others’ movements until you felt safe saying something about a dinosaur being Karl Lagerfeld’s mother and, if they didn’t laugh, never talking to them again and moving into a trailer outside the local liquor store so you could be closer to your real friends, Jack Daniels and Jim Bean."

      GAH yes, that is how I feel inside.

      P.S. Okay, also: chocolate sandwich cookies drenched in Belgian chocolate? HOLY FUCK I hope you at least stole them all for later eating.

    • Kristina

      “Incidentally, you’re probably never going to read one of these reports/Very Secret Diary entries that runs ‘I went out and talked to people and made new friends and was totally normal about everything.’ It’s just not how I roll.”

      Please never, ever, ever roll that way. You would make the lives of millions of gloss readers very sad indeed. There are millions. I said so.