• Wed, Sep 19 2012

Hot Older Men We’d Happily Sleep With

"I'd fuck me."

Jennifer: No! Jeremy Irons is insane! I am in love with him, but that speaks towards something unhealthy within me! I’d fuck him. And marry Warren Beatty. He seems really nice, and like he’s had a great relationship with Annette Benning. Also, I once read a really nice interview with him where someone asked if him if he’d sleep with every woman, given the opportunity regardless of whether they were old, or ugly, or a lot of other kind of sexist stuff and he said, “Yes, because… you never know. You never know who’s going to be the one.”  You?

Ashley: It’s tough, actually. Remember our Fuck Marry Kill about Marlon Brando, Paul Newman and Clint Eastwood? And how hard it was?

Jennifer: Yes.

Ashley: Choosing between Jeremy Irons and Warren Beatty is a bit like that because they’re both really appealing. However, the wild card in play here is that none of these men are known especially for decency or goodness or fidelity; we’re essentially choosing the hottest emotionally imbalanced cad. And if that’s the case, if none of them are really sensible choices, then my heart says Jack Nicholson, Jack Nicholson, Jack Nicholson.

Jennifer: Really? Your heart says that? Has your heart communicated with your eyes and seen how he’s gone a bit to seed in his old age?

Ashley: Right, but that wolfishness is still in there. And, I think, maybe, Nicholson was the hottest of them in his prime.

Jennifer: No, no, he only SEEMED hot because he was sleeping with Anjelica Huston. It’s a classic case of not being able to figure out why some shlubby guy is sleeping with a super-hot girl, so you just apply amazing sexual prowess to him.

Ashley: No. Way. Nicholson in 5 Easy Pieces is solid gold.

Jennifer: The ShiningOne Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest… maybe. If you forget the end. But The Shining? And you dismissed me for Dead Ringers?

Ashley: Shit. Nevermind. Height check on Google just brought back Nicholson at 5’10, Beatty at 6’2 and Irons at 6’1. I guess I’m marrying Beatty and fucking Irons, too.

Share This Post:
  • Leila

    I don’ t think this can be reiterated enough: WHY DIDN’T YOU DO HARRISON FORD?!

    • Ashley Cardiff

      I DONT KNOW

  • Alma

    You ladies make me happy <3

  • Maggie

    Another pro for marrying Jeremy Irons (as if you needed one): he could read to you in his ridiculously sexy voice. Read me bedtime stories, Jeremy Irons!

    • Jodi

      Best. Idea. Ever.

    • Jennifer Wright

      I keep the Borgias on in the background while I am working all the time. I have no idea what exactly is happening with the plot.

  • Jodi

    The entire time I was reading this, I was thinking, “Good grief! Where’s Sean Connery? Where’s Harrison Ford? HOW could they miss these two hotties?” Thankfully, you redeemed yourselves!

  • Lex

    HARRISON FORD! SEAN CONNERY!!! MARK HARMON!!!

    • Anne

      Yes!! Mark Harmon! God, how did they not even mention him??

  • Candace

    John Verdi!

    Jk (?)

    • Jennifer Wright

      You’re hitting pretty close to home for some of the people in this discussion, Candace.

  • LaLa

    Jeremy Irons FOREVER!!!!

  • Fabel

    Patrick Stewart. Definitely, definitely. Everyone wants to fuck him though, right?

  • S.Park

    guys… Robert Redford

    • Ashley Cardiff

      We really fucked this up.

  • Breezy

    Marry Jeremy Irons so he could talk me to sleep every night. And give me bad news, which I would subsequently take very well. Because even the worst news would sound nice coming from him.

    Fuck Jack Nicholson because even though he is not as sexy as he once was, the strangely erotic craziness in his eyes probably persists. I would have terrificly terrified sex with him while he yelled at me.*

    And kill Beatty. Someone had to go.

    *Got a little Stoddeny there, sorry about that.

  • Jen

    Gabriel Byrne. Gabriel Byrne forever.

  • Spastastic

    WHAT ABOUT ALAN RICKMAN?

    I’m 22, and decidedly attracted to older men. I’m attracted to young and middle-aged men too — age just isn’t much of a factor for me, really. But there does seem to be a rather long list of over-sixties that I’d totally have sex with. I call the men on this list “hot old guys.”

    A lot of my friends think it’s strange or gross, and for a while I felt weird and conflicted about it, but now I’ve decided to just own it. HOT OLDER MEN FOR THE WIN.

    • Tori

      OMG!!!!! ALAN RICKMAN! Thank you for saying that! Thought I was the only one!

    • http://www.facebook.com/sarah.hicks.73 Sarah Hicks

      I hate feeling alone about that- so it’s good to find that I’m not. Let’s just kick Beatty off the list…and make the choice a million times harder. Despite the fact that Alan Rickman wins, just wins everything. As it should be.

  • zomg

    You forgot the hottest of the hot, Christoph Waltz. Ooooh I’d F-&-or-M him any time…

    • Ashley Cardiff

      Christoph Waltz is maybe #1 Dream Husband, but at 55, he was younger than our cutoff of 60+.

  • Kristin

    Colin Firth, especially if he’s dressed up like Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice

  • GreerLovesGovert

    Nope, nope and nope. How is it Springsteen didn’t make this list? Still so very fuckable. And marriagable, too, as borne out by his track record with Patti. He’s got a standing offer with me till he’s 70.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      Look, I agree to a point–he looks great. And ’70s Springsteen may be the hottest man of all?

      But the soulpatch, my friend. The soulpatch.

  • Sarah!

    The small version of this Jeremy Irons photo looks like Henry Winkler. And I thought, “Would I fuck Henry Winkler?” I probably would.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      LOL

      It really does.

  • dee.

    Oh I would so hop into my time machine and fuck a young Jack Nicholson hard! Without a doubt he was the hottest in his prime. And while, yes, the attraction is largely based on that crazy, animal magnetism only he posses and the bland-as-a-diabetic-tray-on-an-aeroplane Beatty lacks… let us not forget Jack was physically pretty hot before he aged into a typical 70 odd year old man. While my Nicholson fueled dreams usually involve ripping that black turtleneck off Robert Dupea while he swings me around my apartment like Betty in Five Easy Pieces…I’d screw him in a mental institution or the Overlook hotel too. I’d screw him whether he’s a postman that only rings twice, an aging astronaut or a lonely guy with OCD. Why? Because he’s JACK!