• Wed, Sep 19 2012

Hot Older Men We’d Happily Sleep With

"Nicholson don't care."

Jennifer: I forgot how easy your standards are. Shit – why didn’t we do Harrison Ford?

Ashley: WHY DIDNT WE DO HARRISON FORD?

Jennifer: I don’t know. I think I was focused on all the weird mind-games I think Jeremy Irons would play, and I was really in a bit of a zone there. Also, this is the only one we’ve ever agreed upon, and I feel good about that.

Ashley: Well, I think Irons wears too many scarves for us to ever have a meaningful relationship but he sure is aging beautifully. I saw him in a bad play on Broadway a few years ago and spent the entire time thinking about how he gets hotter every year. I’ll marry Beatty–who, granted, was untouchably hot in Bonnie and Clyde–then get some Han Solo on the side.

Jennifer: How about we just fuck all of them? Maybe this can be less “fuck marry kill” more “some old guys are hot.”

Ashley: If Monday was any indication, some of our readers will be very disturbed by this conclusion. Yes, indeed, I find several men much older than me… attractive.

Jennifer: And I will say that we would happily accept calls from any of the above candidates.

Ashley: Sidney Poitier is 82! He’s still very handsome.

Jennifer: John Malkovich. Dangerous Liasons! WE FORGOT SEAN CONNERY!

Ashley: And Patrick Stewart! Also, it’s worth noting that all of these men are 60+. Yesterday, one commenter asserted that guys more than five (5) years older are unappealing and I’m still pretty shocked by that.

Jennifer: Well, that has never been something we’ve factored into our dating lives, so maybe that is why. However, I will go out on a limb and suggest that probably if someone has that attitude, older men will not try to pursue them, as people rarely like to pursue people who find them disgusting. In conclusion: I would like Jeremy Irons to pursue me if he were single. And I were single. And the world were different. And peach castles were the norm.

Ashley: I am reminded of an exchange from one of my favorite films of all time, Billy Madison:

Frank: Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?
Billy: Jack Nicholson now, or 1974?
Frank: ’74.
Billy: Meg Ryan.

Not for any reason, really. Just sayin.

Jennifer: … Good talk?

Ashley: Sure.

Sorry! This poll is now closed.


Sorry! This poll is now closed.


Sorry! This poll is now closed.

(all photos via Wenn)

Share This Post:
  • Leila

    I don’ t think this can be reiterated enough: WHY DIDN’T YOU DO HARRISON FORD?!

    • Ashley Cardiff

      I DONT KNOW

  • Alma

    You ladies make me happy <3

  • Maggie

    Another pro for marrying Jeremy Irons (as if you needed one): he could read to you in his ridiculously sexy voice. Read me bedtime stories, Jeremy Irons!

    • Jodi

      Best. Idea. Ever.

    • Jennifer Wright

      I keep the Borgias on in the background while I am working all the time. I have no idea what exactly is happening with the plot.

  • Jodi

    The entire time I was reading this, I was thinking, “Good grief! Where’s Sean Connery? Where’s Harrison Ford? HOW could they miss these two hotties?” Thankfully, you redeemed yourselves!

  • Lex

    HARRISON FORD! SEAN CONNERY!!! MARK HARMON!!!

    • Anne

      Yes!! Mark Harmon! God, how did they not even mention him??

  • Candace

    John Verdi!

    Jk (?)

    • Jennifer Wright

      You’re hitting pretty close to home for some of the people in this discussion, Candace.

  • LaLa

    Jeremy Irons FOREVER!!!!

  • Fabel

    Patrick Stewart. Definitely, definitely. Everyone wants to fuck him though, right?

  • S.Park

    guys… Robert Redford

    • Ashley Cardiff

      We really fucked this up.

  • Breezy

    Marry Jeremy Irons so he could talk me to sleep every night. And give me bad news, which I would subsequently take very well. Because even the worst news would sound nice coming from him.

    Fuck Jack Nicholson because even though he is not as sexy as he once was, the strangely erotic craziness in his eyes probably persists. I would have terrificly terrified sex with him while he yelled at me.*

    And kill Beatty. Someone had to go.

    *Got a little Stoddeny there, sorry about that.

  • Jen

    Gabriel Byrne. Gabriel Byrne forever.

  • Spastastic

    WHAT ABOUT ALAN RICKMAN?

    I’m 22, and decidedly attracted to older men. I’m attracted to young and middle-aged men too — age just isn’t much of a factor for me, really. But there does seem to be a rather long list of over-sixties that I’d totally have sex with. I call the men on this list “hot old guys.”

    A lot of my friends think it’s strange or gross, and for a while I felt weird and conflicted about it, but now I’ve decided to just own it. HOT OLDER MEN FOR THE WIN.

    • Tori

      OMG!!!!! ALAN RICKMAN! Thank you for saying that! Thought I was the only one!

    • http://www.facebook.com/sarah.hicks.73 Sarah Hicks

      I hate feeling alone about that- so it’s good to find that I’m not. Let’s just kick Beatty off the list…and make the choice a million times harder. Despite the fact that Alan Rickman wins, just wins everything. As it should be.

  • zomg

    You forgot the hottest of the hot, Christoph Waltz. Ooooh I’d F-&-or-M him any time…

    • Ashley Cardiff

      Christoph Waltz is maybe #1 Dream Husband, but at 55, he was younger than our cutoff of 60+.

  • Kristin

    Colin Firth, especially if he’s dressed up like Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice

  • GreerLovesGovert

    Nope, nope and nope. How is it Springsteen didn’t make this list? Still so very fuckable. And marriagable, too, as borne out by his track record with Patti. He’s got a standing offer with me till he’s 70.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      Look, I agree to a point–he looks great. And ’70s Springsteen may be the hottest man of all?

      But the soulpatch, my friend. The soulpatch.

  • Sarah!

    The small version of this Jeremy Irons photo looks like Henry Winkler. And I thought, “Would I fuck Henry Winkler?” I probably would.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      LOL

      It really does.

  • dee.

    Oh I would so hop into my time machine and fuck a young Jack Nicholson hard! Without a doubt he was the hottest in his prime. And while, yes, the attraction is largely based on that crazy, animal magnetism only he posses and the bland-as-a-diabetic-tray-on-an-aeroplane Beatty lacks… let us not forget Jack was physically pretty hot before he aged into a typical 70 odd year old man. While my Nicholson fueled dreams usually involve ripping that black turtleneck off Robert Dupea while he swings me around my apartment like Betty in Five Easy Pieces…I’d screw him in a mental institution or the Overlook hotel too. I’d screw him whether he’s a postman that only rings twice, an aging astronaut or a lonely guy with OCD. Why? Because he’s JACK!