24. The privie situation is outrageous.
I don’t even want to talk about it. Where is my money going?!
Speaking of “privies,” I think homeboy was sleepy.
He was just standing beside the privies, dosing off where he stood, like a heroin addict. A heroin addict in a tri-point hat. And I think I know what would have helped him…
25. You can get cappuccinos at Ren Faire.
Why the hell not? You can already get smoothies, cheesecake and…
26. You can get panties at Ren Faire.
Also makes complete sense if you think about it. The kind of people who dress up in full period garb so they can walk around a dusty clearing as they buy scented candles and piss in abject portable toilets… aren’t going to suffer some random poly-cotton undergarment they bought at Marshall’s. They’re going to want panties. From M’Lady’s:
Speaking of commitment…
27. There was a horse-man at Ren Faire.
Look at this.
I’m sorry my pictures are shitty but he was shockingly fast for a nine foot man with horse hooves instead of feet. I couldn’t really tell if he was some sort of Elizabethan centaur squire or if he was just your garden variety otherkin.
28. All furries are otherkin, not all otherkin are furries.
Like how all Catholics are Christian but not all Christians are Catholic.
29. Wings are also a very popular fashion statement at Ren Faire.
They probably come in second after corsets (and horns!) with waistcoats and capes bringing up the rear.
30. Your $22 probably goes to this:
Look on my works, ye Mighty!
Though for $22, you’d think you’d get a real castle and not just a castle facade. Anyway, this is the main setpiece of Ren Faire, where the joust takes place. Which brings me to my next point…
31. Jousts are boring.
The actual joust is over in five minutes. You’d think that men on horseback running at each other with violent purpose would be really interesting–especially with powerhouse personalities like Robin Hood in play–but they’re not, really. Moreover, the 20 agonizing minutes leading up to the joust are just people dancing loosely in sync and twirling banners and kind of singing but mostly just urgently trying to remember their choreography.
Seriously. This went on forever.
This girl was really into it, though (she was one of the cast):
Don’t forget #18.
32. Many Ren Faires have themes.
Well, most Ren Faires “take place” during the reign of Queen Elizabeth I. This Ren Faire, however, had an actual theme for the weekend: love. That’s why a lot of people were walking around with glass roses.
33. Ren Faires have a devil-may-care attitude about historical accuracy.
As we were leaving, my friend Matt noticed the Maryland state flag draped over a sandwich board and we deduced that the flag was being used because it looks Medieval. We all had a good laugh and then I came back and learned about the Maryland state flag on Wikipedia and I guess it’s fine because it’s based on English heraldry? So I guess I learned 34 things.