• Thu, Sep 20 2012

Crowdsourcing: How Can I Use My Sexuality To Get Ahead At Work?

Am I winking or having a stroke? You tell me!

Help you guys! I’m sitting here in my leopard coat again, drinking Zero calorie Monster and planning go get broccoli soup later!

And now that soup idea is gross, because over at XOJane, this is happening:

I certainly didn’t intend to go from gratuitous complimenting to doing it with clothes on, but I did nothing to stop that progression either. I was focused on pleasing, you see. And I was actually enjoying myself for the most part. When Top gently patted his lap and invited me to sit on his crotch, I did acquiesce. I’m no prude, and I figured I had nothing to lose.

Now, hands beneath blouse, I readjust my bra while assessing the task of reviving the dismembered couch before me. The powerful media executive I just dry-humped on plush suede fumbles about his expansive, neutral-toned office.

“If I don’t find a tissue to wipe the cum off my dick fast –”

“You’ll have to order a cream-based soup for lunch and accidentally spill it on those perfectly pressed flat front khakis to explain away the stains?”

Amused by my sass, Top pauses to shake his head before resuming his search.

That is a real quote from an article called “I Use My Sexuality To Get Ahead At Work.” Moreover, those are real words that real people reportedly said aloud, in the real world.

I don’t think I’ve ever said anything like that. I just really, really like to keep food and bodily fluids separate. But that’s me! Though, sometimes, in the morning, I ask my boyfriend if he’d like breakfast. Sometimes he says “yes, where should we go?” because there is no food in my house. It’s pretty hot. But I don’t think that’s the same thing as using my sexuality to get ahead at work.

The XOJane writer notes:

Whether we can have it all, or not, I believe that sexuality is a tool, and that it’s up to an individual to use it, or not. Be the geisha who can topple a cyclist by staring him in the eyes if you can — and want to — be.

Well, yes, that was a good scene in Memoirs of a Geisha! Yes! That was amusing. I will accomplish that by wearing an elegant kimono and painting my face white, as they did in the book. That will do it. No? The writer explains:

I flounced about his office, posing somewhat thoughtful questions about the decorative accents representing his various career achievements. So you spent time in Africa? What was it like shaking hands with the President? How the hell did you find time to train for a marathon?

A good Work Flirt can feign sincere interest in even the most mundane miniature wooden statue. A good Work Flirt constantly gathers intelligence so she can summon relevant details later, showcasing that she bothered to remember them. Wasn’t that the takeaway from Groundhog Day? A good Work Flirt is agreeable and energetic and does whatever it takes to project ease and to foster comfort.

So, some basic questions:

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  • endn

    hahaha dear god this is hilarious! excellent work, i hated that article.

  • Meghan Keane

    Jen, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this: Please stop hitting on me.

    • Jennifer Wright

      CAN’T STOP WINKING, WON’T STOP WINKING. GONNA SIT ON YOUR LAP.

  • Lo

    This is how I got my job as a baby photographer.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      If we did “comment of the day/week/month” posts, this would win for the whole year.

    • Lindsay

      BAHAHAHA I second Ashley’s comment.

  • Larissa

    It was the “perfectly pressed flat front khakis” thing that got me, too. And dry humping, really? What is this, the 8th grade?

    • Sarah!

      Seriously. Are there even adults who can get off through dry humping?

  • Sarah!

    Jennifer, you should do what I do and turn your face completely to one side. That way you can just blink, but since only one eye is showing, everyone will think you are winking!

    • Sarah!

      Then get ready for some over-the-pants action.

    • Jennifer Wright

      I will compliment their statue first!

  • Sean

    Wow, that picture. That’s…that’s something.

    • Jennifer Wright

      SEXY, HUH?

    • Sean

      Yes. Indeed.

      I’ll need you to sign this paperwork confirming your promotion and salary increase.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      That is the only unflattering photo of Jen I have ever seen and that’s why it is my favorite.

    • alexandra

      It’s not even unflattering. Even the fact that she scrunched up her face like that just made me realize that she’s going to turn from an unfairly good-looking young person into an almost comically attractive middle-aged person and then a ridiculously well-preserved, gorgeous old person. WTF

  • Kristina

    I don’t even know how to properly deal with that top photo. I saw it at the top of the page while looking through Jamie’s lovely article on singledom preparing her for coupling up. My inner monologue went thusly: “Wait. Scroll back up. Jennifer is doing something weird again. No, that is not Jennifer’s face. But that is Jennifer’s Edie Sedgwick coat…”

    And then I waited like the organized person I am to work my way to this article on my Google reader and got smacked with a gigantic version of the picture. Best picture of anyone ever. Every perfect pleats-having man will want you to sit on his lap.

  • Alexis H

    All I can think of is Jenna on 30 Rock. I wish I could find a video, but all I found was this sound clip:

    http://www.hark.com/clips/mdnzhszvhf-my-sexuality

  • http://samanthaescobar.com Samantha Escobar

    “Topple, you bastard, topple.”
    I’m laughing out loud allllll over my perfect pressed khakis. Or is that soup?

  • Lizzie

    made me laugh. However, it seems inconsistent that the Gloss has so many posts that praise sex workers but then adds this article, which criticizes the idea of using sex to get ahead. What’s the difference? Why do you think it’s ok to make money off of your sex appeal in some contexts, but not others?

    • MR

      Good point. Worst thing a woman can do is use sex to advance her career goals. Discriminates against everyone who has to compete against her or who is subjected to her.

    • Jennifer Wright

      The only person I’m really making fun of here is myself and my total inability to do this. And people with perfectly pleated flat front khakis who try to cover semen stains by ordering some manner of bisque.

    • Lo

      The difference is pretty clear. Sex work is supposed to involve sex, hence the name. Everyone entering the industry knows that there will be sex. Not everybody chooses to work in that environment. It is both unfair and creepy to put any sort of expectation on non-sex employees to ‘use’ their sexuality.

  • Guest

    Yes, obviously it was a made-up story with unconvincing dialogue, and yes, obviously she’s a gross whore. But still, kudos to you for sticking it to her with this writeup.