• Thu, Sep 20 2012

Crowdsourcing: How Can I Use My Sexuality To Get Ahead At Work?

Should I stop wearing my leopard fur coat as I sit here every day? If so, should I replace it with say, hotpants? It’s pretty cold in the office.

I seriously look like a stoke victim when I wink. Is that going to be a problem?

My boss is a woman. Should I still try sit on her lap? She’s very nice. I have a meeting with her later today, so if you could get back to me ASAP it would help.

Memoirs of A Geisha was a pretty good book, huh?

Should I ask everyone what it is like to be friends with the president, or, only, like, 50% of the people?

HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND TIME TO TRAIN FOR A MARATHON? YOU MUST BE SLEEP DEPRIVED. YOU LOOK AWFUL. FUCKING AWFUL. (Like that?)

What if I just told powerful men my “It was all a dream” theory on Groundhog Day? Would they like that, do you think?

You actually said “perfectly pressed flat front khakis” immediately after you dry humped someone to orgasm? Really?

Should I carry tissues on me at all times waving them about like flags of vulnerability and defeat?

PLEASE HELP, EVERYONE. ALSO, IS IT FUN BEING FRIENDS WITH THE PRESIDENT? WHAT DO YOU GUYS DO WHEN YOU GO OUT WITH THE PRESDIENT? I DON’T KNOW HOW TO RIDE A BIKE. WHAT KIND OF SOUP SHOULD I GET FOR LUNCH? IS THIS SEXY? I AM WINKING NOW. 

Topple, you bastard, topple.

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  • endn

    hahaha dear god this is hilarious! excellent work, i hated that article.

  • Meghan Keane

    Jen, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this: Please stop hitting on me.

    • Jennifer Wright

      CAN’T STOP WINKING, WON’T STOP WINKING. GONNA SIT ON YOUR LAP.

  • Lo

    This is how I got my job as a baby photographer.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      If we did “comment of the day/week/month” posts, this would win for the whole year.

    • Lindsay

      BAHAHAHA I second Ashley’s comment.

  • Larissa

    It was the “perfectly pressed flat front khakis” thing that got me, too. And dry humping, really? What is this, the 8th grade?

    • Sarah!

      Seriously. Are there even adults who can get off through dry humping?

  • Sarah!

    Jennifer, you should do what I do and turn your face completely to one side. That way you can just blink, but since only one eye is showing, everyone will think you are winking!

    • Sarah!

      Then get ready for some over-the-pants action.

    • Jennifer Wright

      I will compliment their statue first!

  • Sean

    Wow, that picture. That’s…that’s something.

    • Jennifer Wright

      SEXY, HUH?

    • Sean

      Yes. Indeed.

      I’ll need you to sign this paperwork confirming your promotion and salary increase.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      That is the only unflattering photo of Jen I have ever seen and that’s why it is my favorite.

    • alexandra

      It’s not even unflattering. Even the fact that she scrunched up her face like that just made me realize that she’s going to turn from an unfairly good-looking young person into an almost comically attractive middle-aged person and then a ridiculously well-preserved, gorgeous old person. WTF

  • Kristina

    I don’t even know how to properly deal with that top photo. I saw it at the top of the page while looking through Jamie’s lovely article on singledom preparing her for coupling up. My inner monologue went thusly: “Wait. Scroll back up. Jennifer is doing something weird again. No, that is not Jennifer’s face. But that is Jennifer’s Edie Sedgwick coat…”

    And then I waited like the organized person I am to work my way to this article on my Google reader and got smacked with a gigantic version of the picture. Best picture of anyone ever. Every perfect pleats-having man will want you to sit on his lap.

  • Alexis H

    All I can think of is Jenna on 30 Rock. I wish I could find a video, but all I found was this sound clip:

    http://www.hark.com/clips/mdnzhszvhf-my-sexuality

  • http://samanthaescobar.com Samantha Escobar

    “Topple, you bastard, topple.”
    I’m laughing out loud allllll over my perfect pressed khakis. Or is that soup?

  • Lizzie

    made me laugh. However, it seems inconsistent that the Gloss has so many posts that praise sex workers but then adds this article, which criticizes the idea of using sex to get ahead. What’s the difference? Why do you think it’s ok to make money off of your sex appeal in some contexts, but not others?

    • MR

      Good point. Worst thing a woman can do is use sex to advance her career goals. Discriminates against everyone who has to compete against her or who is subjected to her.

    • Jennifer Wright

      The only person I’m really making fun of here is myself and my total inability to do this. And people with perfectly pleated flat front khakis who try to cover semen stains by ordering some manner of bisque.

    • Lo

      The difference is pretty clear. Sex work is supposed to involve sex, hence the name. Everyone entering the industry knows that there will be sex. Not everybody chooses to work in that environment. It is both unfair and creepy to put any sort of expectation on non-sex employees to ‘use’ their sexuality.

  • Guest

    Yes, obviously it was a made-up story with unconvincing dialogue, and yes, obviously she’s a gross whore. But still, kudos to you for sticking it to her with this writeup.