• Fri, Sep 21 2012

I’m No Longer F*cked Up, But I Still Go To Therapy. You Should, Too.

Even though I’m into meditation, questioning life, and Buddhism, I’m pretty much the biggest asshole on the face of the planet. I’m the kind of person who does Bikram Hot Yoga and then lights up a cigarette the minute I’ve said Namaste. The kind of broad who has Buddha figurines all around her house, yet ends up using one to throw in a fit of rage. The kind of person who ends up having an anxiety attack whenever she tries to truly relax. You know, the kind of woman who has an Eastern mudra necklace that is supposed to ward off negativity, but sadly bought it from Lauren Conrad’s line at Kohls.

I mean, but at least I try. It’s also why therapists love me. I’m neurotic and I know it, but hey, I do TRY.

 

I’m not totally fucked up anymore. In fact, I feel like a fraud for still even engaging in therapy sessions. Yet there is something so satisfying about sitting on a couch, dumping your shit on someone, and leaving feeling like you just took a much-needed…. shower. I have turned my therapist into a life coach of sorts, and she knows it. I’m almost certain that she enjoys our sessions so much that she looks forward to seeing me, so that’s part of the reason I still go (what would she do without me?  She’d miss me, for sure) but that may be because I have a huge ego – which no amount of therapy can cure.

Every other week, I plop down on a couch that has more pillows than a Pier 1 sofa display, and I sink down about six inches into my seat. I swear, this is a trap that all therapists use. It’s almost like they purposely buy a couch that sinks, so it makes it harder for you to squirm and/or run out the door.  Trust me, I have tried many a time to make a quick exit, but the quicksand sofa constantly wins. I wonder if they buy these couches from a special psychologist store, maybe Saymore and FuckingQuittheShenanigans? Regardless, It’s also a given that I engage in a mini-fight with the pillows, because they are always in my way, and I don’t know how the fuck to arrange them.

I have admittedly been in therapy on and off for around 10 years, of all kinds. Behavioral, cognitive, course-based, and I even dabbled in EMDR, which is like eye-movement desensitization or some shit, but always made me dizzy. Yeah, I USED to be fucked up. Agoraphobia (which sounds like it’s fear of snuggly bunny rabbit fur, but it’s not), emetophobia, panic disorder, depression – all this shit that plagued me for years. I’m fine now, or as fine as one can be.

So, when I found myself unhappy last spring, I figured I’d go back into therapy. I had a few reasons:

1.)    I’m a do-er. Things are fucked up? I won’t complain – I make changes.

2.)    I’m a huge proponent of therapy, even when life is good. A little forced self-reflection is always a good thing.

3.)    My insurance covers it. Make a co-pay of $20 bucks to hear someone listen to my shit, you say? Sign me the fuck up.

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  • Kat

    Great article! I too am a former fuck up that still loves therapy. I was a drug addict that has been clean for 6 years now and I find that therapy keeps me honest with myself. The example of the trolley is great too, because you really can’t control life and sometimes people just need to get off the car so new people can get on. Hope your retreat goes well!

  • Cat

    I feel like I’ve run out of things to say in therapy. I went to a new woman, who just didn’t work for me, about two months ago. Being from the “deep” south, she kept asking me about religion and I kept telling her that ship had sailed. By the second visit she was straight up telling me she just didn’t have any ideas.

    She was kind of useless, actually. Researched her and she had degrees and an office and everything, but the least useful therapist I’ve ever been to. So I fired her.

    The thing is, after 15 years of therapy on and off, I know why I am broken. I understand the many numerous and diverse ways that I am broken. What the heck else is there to discover?

  • Courtney

    Once the discovering stage has been revealed, you’re correct in saying what else is left? I’ve been at that point and realized you can have damaged parts of yourself but still flourish in other aspects.

    I’m not religious myself and much more philosophical. I have found many psychologists who are very “text book” in their practices.

    The trick is finding the better sides to life and not ignoring the bad, but accepting it and finding the ability to laugh.

    Peace&Love

  • andrea dunlop

    ‘Saymore and FuckingQuittheShenanigans ‘ is the funniest thing I’ve read all day. Well played.

  • MR

    Should I tell you about my almost ( :) ) celibate meditation phase? Really I think I walked that bridge, do you know the location of the photo?

  • Court

    ;-)

    Location of therope bridge is in Sapa, Vietnam.

    It’s a print of a photograph by Skip Nall & was purchased at an elite art gallery in NYC.

    [I lie, it was from IKEA.]

    • MR

      Okay. I thought it was Shitou in the R.O.C., the renegade Chinese province.