Do You Have A “Type”? I Do (And It’s Annoying)

In the past, any time somebody has asked me what my “type” was dating-wise, I’ve just shrugged and said I didn’t have one. After all, I’ve gone for all sorts of people in my romantic life: chubby, tall, bald, intelligent, not-so-intelligent, pretentious, patronizing, fratty, humble…you name it, I’ve probably woken up next to it (even if I was a little embarrassed thereafter). I assumed that because they had all looked and acted so differently, they must all be different “types.”

But then why, I would ask, does every single relationship turn out the same way?

While there was one, maybe two exceptions to my pattern, most followed approximately the same one: First, we’d get super close entirely too quickly without even realizing it because it “just felt right.” Then, after relationship establishment, we’d be attached at the hip for months. After an extended honeymoon phase, the fighting began because I would get irritated at their inability to reliably commit while they simultaneously got frustrated with my focus on having a “real relationship,” whatever I thought that entailed at the time. Each night, after calming me down, they would light up a joint, grin blankly for a while and pass out. Eventually, we’d break up and I’d move on to the next person entirely too quickly and…well, let’s just say it was the redundancy equivalent of the SAW franchise.

Except my tricycle is stationary and I'm not bald.

I assumed this was primarily my doing for a long time, that I was so terrible, I must be poorly matched for literally anybody. Each time, I’d go for somebody I thought was different than the last. Oh, look! This one’s _____ and _____, he must be the total opposite of stupid ____! But every time, I ended up being completely off-base.

Whether it was due to my being treated like a small child because of a 24-month age gap, being perpetually lied to about ridiculous topics or our relationship having the emotional range of Chris Brown’s neck tattoo, each one finished up similarly: I felt hurt, they felt frustrated and we both felt trapped.

Obviously, the only common denominator in all my shitty relationships is me. I am admittedly a difficult person to be with: I’m extremely stubborn, emotional and if you could make a diorama out of my daily feelings, it would look like a topographic map of the Grand Canyon. Yet the majority of them essentially sucked the life out of the rest of their relationships, too, so I felt the need to determine what exactly was going wrong from the very beginning of each relationship. I would ask myself incredibly stupid questions about the commonalities between each partner: Was it the fact that they all skateboard? Or perhaps that they all work in film?

Finally, it hit me a few months ago while I was standing at my own going away party in LA. Perhaps it was the sixteen whiskey gingers coursing through my system or the fact that I was smoking on a porch with four people I’d dated side-by-side, but it finally came to me: I do have a type and unfortunately, it’s one that I definitely do not belong with.

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    • Stacey Trollberg

      Fun read. I too have an inexplicable preference for stoners… but then again I’m one of them, so it’s fitting.

    • MR

      You were born a little too late. Lots of emotional availablity in the ’70s and hold-out ’80s hippie cult.

    • Cee

      I’m okay with stoners until they turn it into a literal lifestyle. For example, my best friend started smoking weed and it was cool. She liked that it calmed her anxiety, helped her sleep and pretty much made her happy. Then it just became her life…hemp products, weed lotion, high times magazine, facebook tirades about how unfair weed laws are, constant 420 memes, and every conversation being about weed or about that person on the news that was high murdered someone was probably drunk and THATS why he murdered someone, NOT weed. Yeaa…that’s what I don’t like.

      • Samantha Escobar

        Oh god people who talk at you about weed types for like an hour unprovoked…nah. Can’t handle it. Although I definitely lean toward the opinion of “there united states would have a way less crowded jail system finally if they stopped criminalizing weed.”

    • Lastango

      “Now, I by no means am against weed – I lived in California the last four years and watch a little to much Community, if you catch my drift.”
      That could be the problem — you’re trying to have your cake and eat it. If a “serious relationship” means finding a life partner you can rely on through thick and thin, that probably means finding someone who applies themself and deals with reality. Serious people aren’t out getting high.

      It isn’t easy to break free of Cool Culture. All around you, in medialand, people are celebrating attractive ways to screw up. It ain’t hip to be square, and it ain’t as attractive as the sportin’ life.

      • Samantha Escobar

        Haha, I don’t classify it as “cool culture.” I didn’t mention it in the article, but I also have a health condition that causes chronic pain and am also therefore pretty pro-pot. I also have tons of friends who have fantastic careers (yes, serious ones) and make considerable amounts of money who partake. There’s a definite difference between “stoner” and “smoker.”

        Moderation and reliability can easily accompany one another, just like with alcohol.

    • catherine

      great article!

      • Samantha Escobar

        Thank you! :)

    • Lana Kane

      Hi, my name is Nicole and I am addicted to emotionally unavailable men who have sociopathic tendencies. Nice to meet you, Sam. :)

      • Samantha Escobar

        Hi Nicole! Shall we start a support group? :) And at least one of mine is probably a sociopath so we can have crossovers, perfect!

      • Brenda


    • Becca

      I’d like to tack this up on my fridge as a personal reminder, for even the last paragraph alone! Great article, Sam!

    • Tam Tam

      There are no types, there’s no game. There is no nothing, any two people can meet at any given time and fall for each other. Unless your so shallow that you can’t just look past the “type” of person.

      • Amanda Chatel

        I disagree. There are definitely those of us who have types… you can call it shallow all you want, but the truth is some of us have types. End of story.