• Mon, Sep 24 2012

Big Girl Badge Week: Jennifer Is Giving Up Caffeine For A Week

It’s Big Girl Badge week at TheGloss! Remember to send your approximately 800 word reader submissions about how you evolved past being a woman child to Jennifer [at] thegloss.com or Ashley [at] thegloss.com to win hundreds of dollars of prizes.

You guys, I’m in so much pain and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to make it.

It hurts. Where? In my solar plexus, I think. I’m surprised I still remember that word. I expect to have lost all ability to communicate with words by the end of the week. It’s going to be a lot like that Stephen King story. You know, the one that’s terrifying.

This has made realize what a staple of my day it is to come into the office, drink a Zero calorie Monster and then wash it down with a Diet Coke. It’s also made me realize what a staple of my day it is to be able to work without a dull throbbing headache.

WHY AM I DOING THIS? WHY DID I LEARN TO FUCKING COOK ALREADY? MY BIG GIRL BADGE WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO BE LEARNING TO COOK BUT I ALREADY DID IT. I HATE EVERYONE.

ESPECIALLY YOU.

Why are you hurting me like this?

Is there even a good reason to give up caffeine? Drinking coffee is supposed to stop you from developing Alzheimer’s. I guess all the writers – and it was all of them – who suggested I do this want me to get Alzheimer’s and die. I’d say that I’d appreciate input on why it would be good to give up caffeine, but I’d also appreciate input on how to kill them.

But not hard ways, I’m really feeble and my head hurts. Poison would be a good way, but I would have trouble lifting my arms if poison was on high shelves.

I can feel the taste of Diet Coke wash over my tongue like a phantom limb.

I think maybe Ashley suggested this so she could usurp me.

I expect hallucinations to set in, soon. You know. Like they did in the Hunger Games. But this is The Thirsty Games.

Do you have any suggestions on how to make this more endurable? Don’t say “drink tea.” I am allergic to tea. Maybe I could just drink bourbon until I passed out. Then this living nightmare would be over.

It all hurts. Everything hurts. I’m going to do quick-links over the week to keep you updated and maybe keep me on track.

It hurts to type.

I hate you.

Help.

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  • Sean

    I really wish I could say something supportive here, but I’m at my most clever after two large coffees.

    I’ve had one cup of tea today (who the hell books an 8:30 meeting and doesn’t order a coffee urn?), and I can barely muster the power to type in complete sentences.

    • Sean

      As a follow-up to my comment, may I ask why you’re giving up caffeine? Is it just the “you’re too old now to live off energy drinks and Trader Joe’s salmon paté” factor?

      If it’s for the sake of health, I’d be more concerned with the aspartame in sugar-free drinks. In the 50s doctors believed nicotine was fine…I have the feeling aspartame is the millennial equivalent.

    • Jennifer Wright

      “you’re too old now to live off energy drinks and Trader Joe’s salmon paté”

      Petty much sums it up. Entirely.

    • Sean

      In that case, I respect your decision to try, and wish you the best.

      I recommend hiding all sharp implements at work and at home. By tomorrow, people will piss you off very quickly, for no valid reason.

  • Cee

    I’m with Sean.; can’t say anything supportive! My advice would be to just NOT GET UP. I’m very lethargic and oddly enough, very hungry without caffeine. I pretty much lay down everywhere and eat something. It’s not good.

  • Lauren

    Well first, I’m sorry you are allergic to tea, but since tea has caffeine in it, it would be a terrible suggestion for dealing with no caffeine, unless you want to deal with no caffeine by drinking all the caffeine, which is really the only suggestion I have.

    When I did a juice cleanse earlier this year, they said no caffeine. The entire time I was doing it (3 days) was more miserable due to the extreme headache from no caffeine rather than the lack of food.

    I’m pretty sure nothing helps a caffeine headache other than meth.

    • Lauren

      Well apparently my comment didn’t delete itself. Enjoy seeing if my Alzheimer’s has set in with the small difference in content. I’m getting a coffee now.

  • Lauren

    So I clicked “post comment” twice by accident and I now have no comment. I highly doubt this comment will be as good as the one I had about 30 seconds ago. I think it went something like this:

    I’m sorry you are allergic to tea, but drinking tea as a suggestion to help with your lack of caffeine is a terrible idea since tea has caffeine, unless drink all the caffeine is the suggestion.

    I did a juice cleanse earlier this year and the lack of caffeine was way worse than the lack of food. I’m pretty sure it was more miserable because of the caffeine headache I had for 3 days and not the whole “I haven’t chewed anything” thing.

    I’m pretty sure the only way to deal with no caffeine is meth.

  • porkchop

    There is no cure but time, but aspirin, trips outside, protein snacks, and ice water soften the blow.

  • Dorothy

    The only way to quit caffeine without headaches is very gradually, but I guess that’s not an option now?

  • Jon

    I quit coffee a couple weeks ago and the first day was the absolute worst :\ But after that the pounding head- in- a- vice headache disappeared completely. All though I still love the sweet sweet smell of coffee when it’s brewing. Hang in there! It’s baby town frolicks once you get past the first day;)

  • Renee

    Why does torturing yourself equal getting a big girl badge? What is it about being a woman nowadays that seems to equate strength with enduring a lot of pain. Needless pain!

    Also: this is not the way to give up caffeine. You should very slowly start reducing your intake so you don’t feel this way! Very slowly, with lots of water each day.

    I have had caffeine withdrawl headaches, and there is no reason to put yourself through this! Please just go have some coffee or something!

  • Fabel

    Those are some impressive puppy eyes–maybe you should just make that face until everyone you work with breaks down & showers you with zero calorie Monster?

  • Pam

    I haven’t had caffeine in a long long time and at first, it sucked but I did it because caffeine raises your fight or flight nerves and produces cortisol, that nice chemical that travels to your belly and creates fat. As a former diabetic, I can say cutting out coffee did reduce my waistline. Also beer. God I miss beer.

    You’ll be okay.

  • Hannah

    I didn’t drink any caffeine for about 4 days (only because we didn’t have any in the house) and I’ve started drinking it again but I can’t drink as much as I used to. I probably used to drink a Litre of diet coke a day and now I get a headache if I drink a can. Soda water is a good replacement. I find sugary drinks make me feel thirstier so I avoid those. Paracetamol is good for caffeine withdrawal headaches but just don’t get addicted to that. Good luck :)

  • Sabrina

    Dude, been there, tried that. I’m back on the coffee.

  • Lady Shoes

    Why this girl are angry? :( Smile, be happy!

  • Tania

    Oh god, I went one day without caffeine while camping (it was the day we were leaving, I forgot in the chaos of packing up), and it was helllll.

    I do not envy you.

  • MR

    Anyways you seem to need distraction from your pain and suffering. So I’ll mention I only became a strong coffee drinker in order to quit dope. I wasn’t heavy into dope, never where my consumption turned me into an addict. So I think that’s why it was easy for me to use strong coffee to cross over. Oh, that and Marlboro Reds, but I only smoke on occasion now, when I’m drinking heavily with one of my old college buddy. So stay strong and you will persevere.