I Will Not Stand For Criticism Of The Chobani Yogurt Cafe

I feel angry: $4.25 for a bowl of bacterial fermentation? Tourists who, according to the Post, are stopping by the shop four times within two days? For god’s sake, traveler, get yourself a bagel!

Wait. Wait. $4.25? $4.25 is probably the cheapest filling, delicious, artfully hand-crafted breakfast you can get in New York. And surely we can agree that this is a much more interesting breakfast than a bagel (that’s not to insult bagels. Ashley has spent years convincing me that they’re a miracle hangover cure, and they are). But seriously – you are eating Greek yogurt with figs with honey. It was crafted specifically for you, and you purchased it casually for less than you’d pay for a large coffee at Starbucks. You live in a way that would only have been accessible to the .5% in any other era. You live like some kind of 15th century pasha. I’m sorry there is no harem boy to spoon feed this to you (no, really, I’m actually sorry about that).

Also, if you take it to go, they give it to you in this little glass container (all covered up with tissue paper so you feel like you’re in some 1940′s French movie carrying food to your grandmother) and you can re-use the container as a flower pot. Or something.

I feel afraid: It’s only a matter of time before men, influenced by the pervasive notion that ladies practically orgasm upon the sight of the tangy white stuff, start asking women out on dates to the fancy yogurt store.

I kind of wish they would. Look, if you are someone who nervously watches your weight, out on dates you’re constantly trying to strike a balance between seeming like a fun and spontaneous eater (because every ladymag has made it clear that you are supposedly to be whimsically ordering double scoops of ice cream) and maintaining whatever dietary plan you’ve laid out for yourself. Having people announce “let’s go get donuts/ice cream/other post-movie snack place” can be a little awkward, because you’re not going to say “actually, I would rather eat a green salad, or perhaps a fruit cup”. But Chobani is both delicious and fun seeming (in this cafe incarnation) and really good for you. Lets look at the yogurt’s nutritional profile:

One 6 ounce serving of Chobani vanilla yogurt has 120 calories, 13 grams of carbs, and 13 grams of sugar. It also has a whopping 16 grams of whey protein. That means it has a great balance of protein and carbs in it that will keep your blood sugar levels in check. It’s also gluten free.

That is… awesome. It is awesome that there is a place where you can get food that is good for you that is not going to make you seem boring.

I feel confused: I mean, I regularly pay $4+ bucks for coffee and gourmet ice cream. Is yogurt any different? No one ever said Chobani was the food of the hoi polloi.

It’s hoi polloi. Not “the hoi polloi.” The “hoi” means “the.” YOU DON’T EVEN DESERVE A $4 ICE CREAM FOR YOU HAVE FAILED YOUR ANCIENT GREEK CLASS.

I feel inspired: If this whole writing thing doesn’t work out, I can totally start a gourmet cereal shop! Or a gourmet toast shop! A gourmet microwave popcorn shop?

I would probably patronize a gourmet toast shop. Would you put honey one some kinds of toasts? What sort of toasts would there be? Could there be special mixes, like french toast with chocolate and pistachios? Maybe strawberries, too. We should do a strawberry stuffed french toast with mascarpone, because I would pay more than $4.25 for that. In conclusion, I will invest in your toast shop, and I will handle any Ancient Greek slogans you may need. Let’s take this thing to Kickstarter.

I feel…hungry? Some of these “yogurt creations” sound delicious, particularly the cucumber one: creamy plain chobani, fresh cucumber, and sea salt, sprinkled with fresh mint and served with pita chips. Fuck.

YES. That is correct. Good talk.We can postpone our duel until after yogurt time.

 

Pics via Chobani Soho Cafe

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    • Beth

      I love Chobani! Hoi polloi is Greek though, like the delicious yogurt. Just sayin’.

      • Jennifer Wright

        Serves me right.

    • Eagle Eye

      I am SUPER excited for the day (probably in about 10 years or so) when this amazing idea of a cafe makes it way north and then I can eat it.

      Although my local (regular bakery) cafe does serve locally made Greek yogurt drizzled with local honey and sprinkled with granola and fruit and it is just really fucking delicious…

    • Renee

      If she willingly admits to paying the same amount for coffee, then what is the problem? Those DO sound delicious.

    • Lauren

      I’m now thoroughly annoyed at myself for not reading this article before I went out for lunch. Even though I don’t work near Soho, I would have gladly braved the rainy day subway to go there. I guess I’ll spend my weekend memorizing the menu and deciding which delectable creation I want to eat next week.

    • Stephanie

      I am just going to copy and paste my comment on the Jez article because I think that is easier:

      #Guilty… I love the Chobani store! I don’t think the price is all that ridiculous anyway – think about how much you pay for lunch at work or for coffee in the morning. If you went to the supermarket your Greek yogurt costs $2. Add all the fresh ingredients and the price adds up. At the store, if you bring your glass bowl back (recycling!) you get 25 cents off your next purchase. Fig & Walnut? Yes, please.

    • London

      I hats Greek yogurt and chobani but 4.25 doesn’t sound ridiculous at all. It just sounds like the cost of lunch. Also somebody should tell her gourmet cereal shops are a thing. Its called cereality.

    • http://samanthaescobar.com Samantha Escobar

      For the record, I’ve had a fancy cereal dessert and it was FUCKING AWESOME.

      I love fruity Chobani. It thick, tastes like whatever its flavor is supposed to be and has almost as few calories as colored flavored sewage water, also known as “Yoplait Light.”

    • Kate

      as a greek, I refuse to eat chobani because it’s not ACTUALLY greek yogurt. it’s made in upstate new york, and in fact, the company was started by a turk… you know, the same country that massacred a bunch of greeks and have been trying to steal cyprus for ages. like, I don’t understand why champagne has all sorts of protection from competition (can’t call anything champagne if it’s not from the champagne region of france) and the greeks are getting screwed over by every tom, dick, and harry claiming that they’re making “greek yogurt”. YOU’RE NOT GREEK IT’S NOT GREEK YOGURT.

      eat fage instead