Unsettling New Website HeTexted Determines Whether Or Not He’s That Into You… Based On His Texts

Anything that makes a business out of preying on the insecurities of women bums us out. Anything that reinforces the idea that women have endless anxiety over whether or not He’s into them makes us a little sick. Anyway, HeTexted is not the site for us. …but it does exist.

The premise is quite simple: you are one ambiguous, noncommittal text (from Him) away from eating a full sleeve of Oreos and sobbing uncontrollably to Bon Iver. But why wallow in such earnest, affected grief, when you could crowd source? There may, after all, be hope: perhaps he’s just playing hard to get or has crippling agoraphobia? So, HeTexted invites ladies to submit their most confounding texts (from crushes, hookups, or boyfriends) and allows other ladies to speculate whether or not he’s that into them. The answer is almost certainly, “No,” though, because you will never be loved.

For example:

This is so depressing.

This is so, so depressing.

Still, it doesn’t really seem right to disparage people who unwittingly participate in the stereotypes that damage or marginalize them–HeTexted is not the only reason women have anxiety about second dates and sincere commitments. But it is part of a larger problem of packaging and selling this narrative to ladies–or anyone–that these things are worth obsessing over, that someone’s romantic interest is so crucial you should consult strangers online to discern it. Then again, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. And sometimes people are really bad at texting! Who texts, “Sure,” when they mean, “Yes”? Is it passive aggression? Did he not like my hair?

Really, this may be the only viable option:

The hedge represents reason.

(via Jezebel)

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    • Jessica Pauline Ogilvie

      For some reason I could watch Homer disappear into those bushes all day. That’s making me LOL.

      • http://thegloss.com/ Ashley Cardiff

        I kind of just look for excuses to use it.

    • Katie

      But I really want to know what this guy means by this text, ” haha and it isn’t rape if he yells surprise just before. Then it’s surprise sex.”

      What would the girls on that website think of that! It’s killing me not knowing. Does he want to surprise me with sex? Does he want to hide in a closet and jump out at me while wearing a ninja costume? Does he not want to have sex? Does he want to meet my family? Right now I’m going with, he respects me and wants to eventually settle down, while still living an exciting and interesting social life. Kids aren’t off the table, but we should both be secure in our careers before we start trying. Also his favorite fruit is oranges.

      Or am I reading too much into it?

      • Lo

        It might be that he just wants too much from your relationship. Ninjas don’t usually carry oranges because they always leave a trail of juice and pips. I think he wants to meet your family, but only if they’re all DTF while wearing masks and hiding in a closet.

    • Lo

      I got, “We must sacrifice ten more virgins by the quartermoon or we’ll never be able to harvest enough bees. Hail to the Sticky Queen and her watchful horde.” Does this mean he’s intimidated by my success?

      • http://thegloss.com/ Ashley Cardiff

        I think it means he likes your bff more than you!

    • jamiepeck

      Simpsons GIF FTW.

    • http://twitter.com/margaretbarreca Margaret M. Barreca

      I just looked at it and now I wish I hadn’t. Don’t young (and old!) women have anything better to be worrying about? School, a job, furthering themselves as individuals? So pathetic.