• Wed, Oct 10 2012

Olivia Wilde Explains That “Sometimes Your Vagina Dies”

olivia wilde

Olivia Wilde explains how that happens. Vagina death. Wait. No. I don’t think she does.

Is it because you can’t legally hire your significant other prostitutes?

I’m… trying to understand. She gave a monologue in which she said:

In Olivia Land, relationships can legally only last seven years, without an option to renew. That way it never goes stale. Can you imagine, if we only had seven years? We’d be so nice to each other, so kind, and appreciative and enthusiastic, like we were eating a really expensive bowl of pasta! And in Olivia Land people wouldn’t cheat nearly as much because there wouldn’t be the threat of spending forever with one bedfellow. It just wouldn’t be legal. There’s the issue of kids. Okay this is fun.

In Olivia Land, all the kids go to boarding school at seven. It’s like in Harry Potter!

I would like to legalize prostitution. Hiring a sex worker in Olivia Land would be as easy, hygienic, and inexpensive as getting a pedicure. That way when away on business or just not in the mood, we could just hire a hooker for our loved one and keep them uninterested in cheating and keep them satisfied. These particular hookers would obviously have to be mute and possibly cross-eyed.

I thought we were going to treat our significant others like a delicious bowl of agnolotti and then there would feel no need to cheat! No? Guess not. Okay.

Also, everyone I know who went to boarding school at 8 came out immensely fucked up. I’d wager that having to fight a satanic metaphor when they were nine didn’t work out so well for the Harry Potter kids, either. However, I think the most baffling part may be the follow-up, during which she remarks:

“We’re left with the question,” she says. “And we have to live the question.” So, how can a woman tell if it’s right? Listen to your vagina, Wilde advises. “Sometimes your vagina dies,” she says. “Then you know it’s time to go. There’s no reason to sacrifice your womanhood and femininity for some sort of weird feeling of responsibility to something that may not be right. I feel like far too many women do that.”

My vagina… doesn’t talk. To me. Maybe it talks while I’m asleep? Is it dying right now!?

This is really confusing for me, because Olivia Wilde’s Twitter photo has always led me to believe she’s a clever sort of person, the kind of lady it would be fun to hang out with. I mean, this is her Twitter photo:

olivia wilde twitter

WILL THE MONKEYS WEAR GOWNS IN OLIVIA-LAND? If so, I guess I’m in.

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  • jamiepeck

    I thought she made a good point about listening to your vagina about whether you should be in a relashe with someone. YOU KNOW WHAT SHE MEANT.

    • Amy

      You just said relashe… I giggled out loud.

  • KayleeR

    I think its quite clear what she was talking about. Why stay in a relationship with someone after your “vagina dies”? If you are no longer attracted to the person why should us women be forced to give up our womanhood as she said to fulfill a duty we feel we may have to the one we once were in live with? Men peace relationships all the timebecause they are simply no longer attracted to their partner, I think its extremely empowering for her to be so blunt about the topic, and to talk about it in the first place. It’s extremely clear what she was talking about and what she meant.

  • Candace

    Hate to be that guy, but you don’t get your Hogwarts letter until you turn eleven.

  • LCT

    I think the problem here is that the superficiality of men’s patterns of behavior in relationships is wrong (at least that this is referring to), not that we should all adopt that kind of attitude. People are already commitment-phobic enough around here.

    And I’m not surprised that she picked the 7-yr mark; isn’t that the point generally that makes or breaks a marriage (or other similar life commitment)? This seems like an easy way out to me.

  • Sean

    I can’t imagine a dead vagina funeral. What would you say in the eulogy? Who would deliver it? More importantly, what memorial photo would you put in the lobby? A picture of the vagina near the end, or a portrait of the vagina in its youth? What about an oil painting?

    The logistics are mind-boggling!