• Tue, Oct 16 2012

11 Ways To Know You’re No Longer In Love

The Plaza is a lovely place to realize it's time to let go.

It’s that moment where you suddenly realize too much. You’re sitting there at the table, pushing around your empty water glass, the half-consumed martini and you’ve barely touched your lunch. You’re listening to the person across from you and you can see that their lips are moving, you know that they’re speaking to you, but you can’t hear them. You’re focused on something else.

Maybe it’s the way his glasses are slightly crooked, the sound of his tapping fingers against the table whenever a lull happens in the conversation or the random piece of thread on the collar of his shirt that needs to be cut. This is all you can notice; this is all that makes sense.

And you know that the lunch will end in tears. You know that it won’t be so much about being sad, as it is that it’s hard to let go, forget and move on because you’ve already established in your head and heart that you no longer love this person. It’s been realized and something about this particular moment, this tapping of his finger or the stray thread has confirmed it.

You’ll quote My So-Called Life to your friends later that day to drive home your thought process, and by the weekend’s end, you will have compared that instant as something out of the third season of Sex and the City. You will be embarrassed you’re comparing yourself to Carrie for the umpteenth time, but you also know it’s easier than trying to find a more real scenario that makes sense. Reality hurts; reality fucking kills.

Sometimes love just dies, and if it didn’t we wouldn’t have rom-coms or bad pop songs about heartbreak or an entire canon of literary work dedicated to the sometimes shitty, but often great emotion called love. You have to know what the loss feels like, if you’re to truly comprehend what love is.

Yeah, it’s a bitch, but eventually you’ll realize you’re a fantastic person for having loved and an even better one for having survived the loss. So don’t kid yourself and don’t waste your time; falling out of love is just as clear as falling in love. There are no questions; you either know it or you don’t.

Whether you’ve been broken up for months and are finally just coming to terms, or it hit you like a ton of bricks just yesterday, here’s how to know for absolute sure.

 

Photo: HBO

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  • Candace

    That picture of Carrie hitting Big is the scariest, ugliest thing Ive ever seen.

  • alexandra

    Ton of brinks?

    • Amanda Chatel

      Oh yeah! A volunteer copyeditor!

    • Ashly

      Well, someone had to do the job since you obviously forgot to do it yourself.

    • Amanda Chatel

      Yeah! Another volunteer copyeditor! I’ll send you some cookies for your hard work.

  • Samantha_Escobar

    This is exactly why I reached out to you in the first place; you really know how to articulate shit.

  • Jo

    No more butterflies = no more love? Isn’t this just a different kind of love?

  • Really?

    You may want to mention hormone therapy before you destroy too many relationships. My wife had all of these symptoms during menopause and they went away with HRT.

  • Cassie

    Oh please, what a bunch of crap. REAL love STARTS when the butterflies disappear. This just perpetuates a romanyic comedy created myth that has destroyed countless, wonderful relationships and has caused a lot of needless shame and pain.

  • Ashly

    The most rewarding love I’ve ever hard has been when the butterflies went away. Our relationship has only gotten better. Its the progression of love not the end of it.

    I rarely ever feel threatened when he goes out. Why? Because I trust him. When I was unsure of how he felt about me, I was often very jealous and it was a huge issue for us. He got to be the same way. But now we know our purpose in each other’s lives and we’re the better for it.

    • http://www.facebook.com/ashly.nicole.18 Ashly Nicole

      I just love that your name is spelled exactly like mine:) yet to meet another Ashly

  • Becca

    I feel like this article was written by high school girls who think they know what adulthood ks like. Real love is about committing to someone and working through the times where youee annoyed by that person, even physically unattracted. This whole article is very unrealistic and could be extremely harmful to readers’ relationships. A word of advice, no relationship is without both highs and lows. Learn to get through the lows, and the highs are even better.

  • Angeb

    LOVE….that four letter word that sounds so good the first time you hear it. Everything feels perfect when your in “love”, but what does the word “love” actually mean?? The butterflies you feel in the beginning of any relationship eventually die, does that mean your no longer in love, or have you grown apart or are you truly just friends??

  • http://twitter.com/AdiaKamaria AdiaKamaria

    It’s completely unrealistic
    to think that you will have butterflies all the time or that your partner won’t
    ever annoy you. A part of true love is growing together and just like any other
    love relationship (your parents, friends etc.) you will have your ups and downs
    but you will get through them. Realizing you deserve better doesn’t have
    anything to do with not loving someone anymore. You can be in love with someone
    that isn’t meeting your needs anymore and decide that because of that, it’s
    time to move on.

  • http://twitter.com/AdiaKamaria AdiaKamaria

    It’s completely unrealistic
    to think that you will have butterflies all the time or that your partner won’t
    ever annoy you. A part of true love is growing together and just like any other
    love relationship (your parents, friends etc.) you will have your ups and downs
    but you will get through them. Realizing you deserve better doesn’t have
    anything to do with not loving someone anymore. You can be in love with someone
    that isn’t meeting your needs anymore and decide that because of that, it’s
    time to move on.

  • http://www.facebook.com/gloria.g.baker Gloria Gurrola Baker

    definitely the description of having a CRUSH!! real love GROWS…. sometimes we lose our way, change our minds about what we want or get confused but it doesn’t die!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/gloria.g.baker Gloria Gurrola Baker

    definitely the description of having a CRUSH!! real love GROWS…. sometimes we lose our way, change our minds about what we want or get confused but it doesn’t die!!

  • Jeff

    The most common source of problems in relationships is that the couple misinterpreted their mutual feelings of attraction as love. This normally results in the couple trying to keep up appearances after about 5 years and wondering where the love went.

    It is important to know that attraction is an emotional feeling that may fade, while love is a promise that has nothing to do with attraction. Love is a promise to do 4 things.

    1. To accept everything that you know and do not know about her now.

    2. To accept her regardless of what happens in the unknown future as you both age – for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health for as long as you both shall live. Even if she is disfigured by an accident or crippled by illness, you promise to accept her.

    3. To forgive her later. Since neither of you is perfect, you both depend on each others’ forgiveness.

    4. To encourage her to improve. This 4th one gives purpose to your relationship – otherwise it will get boring.

    If you are both ready to make and keep these promises to each-other, then you are ready to love. When you keep them, you demonstrate your love for each-other.

    After you formally make your promises at your wedding, you complete or consummate these promises with sexual intercourse. Every time that you subsequently have sexual
    intercourse, you reinforce your promises – it is truly a wonderful and mutually satisfying experience.

    So, it is not that they are no longer in love. Rather, they probably never chose to love in the first place, and was simply riding the wave of emotional attraction.

    Source: Attraction is a feeling. Love is a Promise. by Grenville Phillips, president of
    Walbrent College. (LoveIsAPromise.wordpress.com)