But some of the characteristics are a little more special. Take number 32, having an “ushnisha” on the crown of the head. I always thought that Buddha statues showed him with some sort of awesome bun on the top of his head, but nope – it’s actually supposed to be a “fleshy protuberance” growing out of his skull (which is covered in hair because, duh, having really awesome hair is also a characteristic of the Buddha). Hopefully this isn’t one of the characteristics you will develop.
The Buddha is hotter than you
Also, that dot on the Buddha’s forehead? That’s another characteristic, and is called the “urna.” It symbolizes the third eye, but sources say that what the Buddha actually had in the middle of his forehead was a “whorl of hair,” which sounds like something that the plumber pulls out of your drain and then makes you come look at (seriously, why do they always call me in to look? I knew it was hair that was making my bathtub drain so slowly! If you pull up a unicorn, let me know, but otherwise I’m good!).
Another style the Buddha is rocking is big, long, stretched-out earlobes. You might think that they look like the ears of sad hipsters who have removed their ear gages… and you would be 100% correct. Turns out that the Buddha, back when he was a mere human, Prince Siddharta, who had not yet achieved enlightenment, wore heavy golden, jeweled earrings, as was the fashion when you were an ancient Indian prince. When he entered into his quest for spirituality, he removed the earrings along with the rest of his fancy stuff, but they had been so heavy that they stretched out his earlobes. So don’t be sad, hipsters who used to have ear gauges!
Man with Buddha Ears
Characteristic five is that the Buddha had “finely webbed” toes and fingers. Basically, the Buddha was Spiderman. Makes a lot of sense. What doesn’t make as much sense to me is characteristic ten, which describes the Buddha as having a “well-retracted male organ.” I was going to Google that, but then panicked and thought that all I would get was porn. Steampunk fetish porn. I don’t want that kind of thing on my computer. Plus why do I want to think about the Buddha’s naughty bits? Or his non-naughty bits, actually, if they were retracted that far. Wait, was the Buddha a potential contender on Ru Paul’s Drag Race?