Ok, I Googled “Buddha genitals” and got this explaination from a Buddhist text, the Gaṇḍhavyūha, of why having a retracted penis is a good thing: “[The Buddha’s] genitals were ensheathed, well hidden deep in the body as with a thoroughbred elephant or stallion. Even when naked, any woman, man, youth or girl, old, middle-aged or young person, whether lustful or potentially lustful, on seeing him would not have even the least desire.” Oooooooh. So the Buddha can be super-hot, but won’t cause anyone to sin in their hearts by desiring his bumpy, lobed-out, strangely haired body. I gotcha.
The Buddha’s junk is not junky
And the last major characteristic I’ll mention is number 26, “saliva that improves the taste of all food.” I want that. I could live on tofu that tasted like chocolate.
The 80 Minor Characteristics are, by contrast to the Major Characteristics, a little picky and also more obscure, like when they have those highly technical conversations on America’s Next Top Model about the shape of someone’s collarbones. For example, one of them is that the Buddha’s “knees have no protruding kneecaps” which is totally something that a supermodel hopeful would have written on her resume. However, one of the Minor Characteristics is “he has no right elbow” which is kinda blowing my mind and, for reasons unknown, making me think of
the Buddha as being like Inspector Gadget.
So, in essence, the Buddha was a hard-bodied celestial ex-hipster foodie/ potential drag queen. Sounds like he might be hanging out in my coffee shop in Williamsburg right now. I’d better get down there and start flirting before his current reincarnation decides to abandon soy lattes and achieve enlightenment. I’ll recognize him by the hair growing out of the middle of his forehead, and no deeply-sheathed penis is going to stop me…