Dating Hijinks: The Guy Who Needed To Masturbate All Over The Apartment

Self love. Love it.

On Wednesdays, Amanda Chatel will be sharing stories about her strange, fascinating and sometimes wonderful dating life. If it makes you want to date, check out TheGloss dating page.

The moans woke me up. At first I thought it was Timothy, perhaps having a nightmare, so I pulled my body into him and draped my arm on his stomach. As I lay there I realized, the moaning, which had now turned into panting, was not Timothy at all. Timothy does not pant — even mid-nightmare.

It had been raining all weekend and we stayed in to watch Twin Peaks from beginning to end, so my brain was fuzzy with images of Laura Palmer, Agent Cooper and of course Killer Bob. So when the panting became more intense my brain immediately went to visions of me being dead on a train somewhere.

“Timothy?” I asked. “Do you hear that?”

“Yes,” he said quietly.

“Does it sound human to you?”

“Yes,” he said again.

“Do you think it’s Killer Bob?” (I was only half joking.)

“If Killer Bob is my roommate Tommy masturbating, then yes, it’s Killer Bob.”

“Ew. That’s how he sounds when he masturbates?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think there’s something wrong with him?”

“Yes. Now go back to sleep.” He tucked his face into my neck just as Tommy appeared to reach climax and all was quiet again. But I didn’t care what Timothy said, no one moans like that unless they’re possessed by the devil which, in Tommy’s case based on what little interaction I had with him, was probably very likely.

I woke up the next morning and headed to the bathroom. I was still sleepy-eyed when I went to wash my hands in the sink and noticed it was covered in a sticky, fog-like residue. It was semen. I knew it. Had the sink been another color besides a charcoal marble, I wouldn’t have been able to assume the worst.

“Timothy!” I yelled. “I think someone came on your sink!”

“So?”

“Well, aren’t you concerned?”

“No. It was probably Tommy. Sometimes he misses the toilet bowl, too so watch out for the seat,” he called back. I don’t know if Timothy knew it, but he was living with an animal. An animal who just came wherever he saw fit and didn’t care who had to see the aftermath. I no longer feared getting knocked-up by Timothy; it was probably going to be by Tommy from accidentally sitting in a pool of his jizz. I didn’t want to spawn Tommy babies.

But the problem with a chronic masturbator who doesn’t have a job is they can strike at any given moment. It’s a scary thought, but very true. After several other girls complained about the sound (there were five guys living in the loft), Tommy got a lecture to keep his sounds to a minimum — which he did — but that didn’t stop the crustiness that would appear each morning in some random spot. Granted, it was all cleaned up at some point, but at some point wasn’t good enough.

So when the inevitable happened, I shouldn’t have been surprised. No! I did not get preggers by Tommy! Seriously. That’s not even possible! (I don’t think.) No, this was worse.

I was getting over a cold and was consuming orange juice at a rapid rate in the hopes of healing before our snowboarding trip the following weekend. The mass consumption of juice obviously led to repeated runs to the loo to relieve my bladder. All through the night, I was up every hour or so.

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    • Ms. Pants

      I look forward to your Dating Hijinks each week! This one– ugh, I can’t believe his roommates didn’t squash that shit immediately.

      • Amanda Chatel

        It was back in college — I think in college we forgive stuff we wouldn’t normally.

      • http://jessgoodwin.tumblr.com/ Jess

        I was going to say, WHY would you date a guy who lives with 4 other dudes. It all makes sense now.

    • Lo

      We have got to get Tommy together with The Masturbator from Harlotry. They can make a buddy movie.

      • Amanda Chatel

        Haha. I totally agree!

      • Cate

        Do you have any way of contacting Timmy? Does Tommy look like Buster Keaton? If he doesn’t, do you think he would be willing to get plastic surgery? They could do it classic silent comedy style, I can already see the title cards. I SEE THIS HAPPENING, CHATEL! (is it cool if I call you Chatel?)

      • Amanda Chatel

        Of course you can call me Chatel, Cate!

        As for Tommy… not sure where he is, but I think if we paid him enough (and could find him) he’d probably get some plastic surgery. There’s no way in hell that guy has a job… HOW COULD HE?!? He’s too busy…

      • Lo

        He could become a sperm donor. Just let him loose in a clinic and go round with a spatula later.

      • Amanda Chatel

        Lo… no one wants that sperm. I promise you. He sorta looks like that wonky guy from Trainspotting. Spud — was that his name?

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Amanda Chatel

        And this is why you are one of my favorite commenters…

      • Amanda Chatel

        And this is why you are one of my favorite commenters…

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Lo

        I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

      • Cate

        Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

      • Cate

        Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

      • Cate

        Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

      • Cate

        Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

      • Cate

        Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

      • Cate

        Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

      • Cate

        Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

      • Cate

        Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

      • Cate

        Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

      • Cate

        Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

      • Cate

        Oh geez, I was thinking the same thing. I just wish I had said it first.