• Wed, Oct 17 2012

Dating Hijinks: The Guy Who Needed To Masturbate All Over The Apartment

It was somewhere around dawn that I once again crawled over Timothy to use his less than stellar bathroom. The door was halfway open and I pushed it without even thinking that anyone would be on the other side of it. And there he was: Tommy; with his boxers partially down his ass so I could see his crack and his head thrown back in silent ecstasy as he haphazardly aimed for the toilet bowl. It happened so fast, and I was out of the room before we could make eye contact in the dully lit circumstances. A few minutes later, from Timothy’s bed, I heard him flush, and all I could assume was he finished the job; I had probably not interrupted him.

“I just saw your roommate masturbating,” I said still in shock.

“So?”

“That’s all you have to say?”

“You’ve seen guys masturbate before, so I don’t think you’ll be scarred by it,” he said. “Here, just roll this way, give me a handjob and we’ll pretend it never happened. It’s just Tommy. It’s not like it was some random on the street.”

“I think you’re going to have to wait on that handjob, love. I need to get that vision out of my head first.”

It wasn’t the masturbating or even catching Tommy in the act. I had seen guys masturbate, as Timothy pointed out, but that was in bed with a boyfriend when I refused to put out after a fight or something equally ridiculous. The problem with Tommy is he wanted to get caught. He wanted to leave his semen all over the place as if he were a rabid dog marking its territory; he left that bathroom door not just unlocked but open so someone would see him. I don’t know if it was a thrill or a fetish. I do know that it was something that you just can’t un-see.

When Timothy and I broke up a year later, Tommy was still unemployed and masturbating like no other. That was the only time I walked in on him, but his roommates weren’t so lucky. It’s hard to keep a job when you can’t keep your hands off your cock. It’s hard to keep anything when your best friend is the member that hangs between your legs and it constantly needs massaging.

We don’t know what became of Tommy, but I’m sure wherever he is, as long as his dick hasn’t fallen off yet from so much self-love, he’s quite happy, satisfied and stress-free. So good for him? Yes, let’s say good for him and try to forget that particular morning.

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  • Ms. Pants

    I look forward to your Dating Hijinks each week! This one– ugh, I can’t believe his roommates didn’t squash that shit immediately.

    • Amanda Chatel

      It was back in college — I think in college we forgive stuff we wouldn’t normally.

    • http://jessgoodwin.tumblr.com/ Jess

      I was going to say, WHY would you date a guy who lives with 4 other dudes. It all makes sense now.

  • Lo

    We have got to get Tommy together with The Masturbator from Harlotry. They can make a buddy movie.

    • Amanda Chatel

      Haha. I totally agree!

    • Cate

      Do you have any way of contacting Timmy? Does Tommy look like Buster Keaton? If he doesn’t, do you think he would be willing to get plastic surgery? They could do it classic silent comedy style, I can already see the title cards. I SEE THIS HAPPENING, CHATEL! (is it cool if I call you Chatel?)

    • Amanda Chatel

      Of course you can call me Chatel, Cate!

      As for Tommy… not sure where he is, but I think if we paid him enough (and could find him) he’d probably get some plastic surgery. There’s no way in hell that guy has a job… HOW COULD HE?!? He’s too busy…

    • Lo

      He could become a sperm donor. Just let him loose in a clinic and go round with a spatula later.

    • Amanda Chatel

      Lo… no one wants that sperm. I promise you. He sorta looks like that wonky guy from Trainspotting. Spud — was that his name?

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Amanda Chatel

      And this is why you are one of my favorite commenters…

    • Amanda Chatel

      And this is why you are one of my favorite commenters…

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Lo

      I’m pretty sure you could slosh it over craft items and sell them on Etsy.

    • Cate

      Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

    • Cate

      Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

    • Cate

      Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

    • Cate

      Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

    • Cate

      Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

    • Cate

      Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

    • Cate

      Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

    • Cate

      Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

    • Cate

      Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

    • Cate

      Oh wow, if he really looks like Spud it wouldn’t be too hard to build a Buster Keaton from him. Agh, the possibilities!

    • Cate

      Oh geez, I was thinking the same thing. I just wish I had said it first.