• Sun, Oct 21 2012

The Only Breakup Advice You’ll Ever Need

Maybe this will bring him back

I want to give you some advice, okay? But not here. Here’s no good. It can’t be here. So…move a little to your left. Yes. Great. Perfect. A little more to the left. Okay, yeah. Further. Further. No, more – more far. Farther than that. Okay, yes, that, but then more again. Yes, that amount of far, plus also double that amount. Can you close the door on your way out? Thanks.

Keep going. Down the street. Any direction; doesn’t matter. Watch out for that Honda. You are doing a great job! No, no, I really do want to tell you this advice, I swear to God. I am not trying to get rid of you. You should not think that for even a second, because if you do not trust me this advice will never work.

Now start running a little. Keep your face casual, but be running. Okay, run faster now. Run. Run. Run. Run like you’ll never stop running. Push every barrier out of your way and run.

Now stop. Wherever you are, stop running immediately and throw yourself to the ground.

Now clench your fists very very very tight and screw up your face until it is the tiniest version of the face you currently have, and hold hold hold your breath, hold it all inside, keep holding it, like you are a balloon made exclusively out of human skin, and just stay like that without moving even a little bit until they change their mind.

Do not let anything distract you! You will get hungry and cold and tired and eventually become encrusted in layers of dead skin. People will try to talk to you and say things like “Oh my God, I think she’s dead. Is she dead? We should call someone, Steven.” These are unnecessary fleshly distractions and they do not concern you. Don’t even listen to me! Stop listening to my advice right now. Just stay where you are. Hunched into a ball. No matter where that is, even if it is inside of a walk-in freezer or on top of a sick cat.

Let the cat die. Keep waiting until they come back for you. Then you will be relaxed and ready for the wedding. Do you hear the wedding music right now? I can hear it. Hum along, but quietly. Quieter. No, quieter than that. Even more quiet. You’re so pretty. Everyone’s going to be so happy to see you.

[Image via Flickr]

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