How To Throw A Bitchin’ Ass Party

4. Buy more booze than you think you need.

I don’t know if it’s a function of me being Jewish or coming from the suburbs or what, but I was shocked at the amount people drink here when I first moved to New York City. You know your guests’ tastes better than anyone, but in my experience, people are fucking animals who will drink your booze until it is all gone. And maybe your friends are classier than mine, but I try to buy the cheapest beer and liquor I can find. Nobody cares, and it saves money.

5. Minimize risk.

Talk to your neighbors beforehand and tell them you are having a party. Invite them, even! They’re a lot less likely to call the cops on you if they feel they’ve been included in the process. Offer to have the noisiest part done by midnight, and tell them to call you if they have any complaints. It also can’t hurt to have an off-duty cop working security. (He will magically make the cops way less likely to come.)

6. Plan for the worst.

Despite your best efforts, there’s a chance the cops will get mad and want to hold someone responsible. This usually happens if they have to come back a second time. Have a clear idea who that person is, and make sure said person doesn’t have any outstanding bench warrants or anything. (Like the kind you get when you don’t pay your open container tickets.) If they’re really pissed off, they might haul you off to jail for a few hours, but if they can’t find anything on you, they’ll let you go with a summons. This will prevent you from having to hide in a closet while everyone pretends they don’t know whose party it is. Which reminds me…

7. Don’t get too fucked up.

I love drinking and doing drugs as much as the next party person, but there needs to be at least one person sober enough to deal with any pressing situations that may arise. Once upon a time, I’d consumed so many good vibes that I couldn’t stand up to her when one of the DJs stormed out and demanded a bunch of money, and I was too busy petting various people’s hair to do anything about it when a crew of shitty ravers swept in at 4am and installed their own DJ. This year, I plan to have most of my faculties in tact. HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT, RAVERS.

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    • Magda Nunez

      As the party planner of my group of friends, I agree with all of these! Especially the plan ahead aspect. Nothing annoys me more than when my friends wait until like 2 weeks before a party to ask for “help” which usually means, “hey, can you plan my party in 2 weeks? Oh, and Im only giving you one weekend to work with”.

    • Fabel

      “The only thing I would caution you against is throwing a party out of some Gatsby-esque
      desire to attract your crush to you like a moth to a flame. Once upon a
      time, I did this over and over again with the same person.”

      Oh god, this. And then I just stopped throwing parties. Forever.

      • jamiepeck

        Don’t give up! You’re letting Daisy win!

    • MR

      I got stories about your part of Manhattan, but I’ll save them for another day. I don’t think blond agrees with you. :)