I often tell people it would take a tidal wave to get me out of New York. I mean – when prompted – not just at random. When people say, “Do you think I should make pancakes with smiley faces on them for breakfast”, I do not reply “Goddamn, it would take a tidal wave to get me off the island of Manhattan!” I mean, I could, but they would think I had suffered a psychotic break. And then I would not get smiley face pancakes – or maybe I would receive an inordinate number.
Maybe the pancakes would look like this:
So, as I am writing this, New York is being hit by an 11 foot wall of water. I imagine when I wake up in the morning my neighborhood will look like something out of The Day After Tomorrow. I have always wondered why people did not just locate submarines and survive the tidal wave in that movie. It turns out it’s because submarines are really hard to find! At no point in today’s in-depth coverage did NY1 direct me to a place where I could acquire a submarine.
I don’t know why NY1 wants us to die. I guess because New Yorkers really only watch that channel when there is some sort of tidal wave approaching – otherwise one of its main features is someone literally reading the headlines from the newspaper - and the newscasters probably hate us.
So I mostly just sat in my apartment, which is in no way, shape or form a submarine, and thought about when I decided that New York City was the kind of place worth going down in a tidal wave.
It all probably started, as it does for so many people, with Eloise.