The Female Hierarchy

A drain on state resources

A Baby Mama is the basic rank of the gentry and may be considered minor nobility.

A Debbie Downer is a title generally given to unmarried daughters who stand to inherit under the law.

Both a Dragon Lady and a Cat Lady outrank the Baby Mama; they are arranged according to the order of their birth.

A Stage Mother Outranks a Dragon Lady and typically acts as attendant to a Suzy Homemaker.

A Girl Next Door has no claim to hereditary title; her rank is purely honorary and may or may not come attached with a fiefdom disposed by her local Feminazi for services rendered to the state.

The wife of a Nascar Dad outranks a Feminazi and may precede her in ceremony if there are no MILFs or Den Mothers in attendance.

A Fag Hag outranks a simple Hag.

A Final Girl ranks above a Mary Sue but below a Blonde Bombshell.

A Black American Princess outranks a Jewish American Princess, according to alphabetical precedence, and may enter a dining room first during any official function. A Welfare Queen, of course, outranks them all.

In the absence of a Welfare Queen, a Hooker With a Heart of Gold may rule in her stead.

[Image via Wikimedia Commons]

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    • Lo

      Nothing outranks a Mary Sue. Not even a Tiger Mom (the higher rank of stage mothers).

    • meteor_echo

      But the Sanctimommy trumps them all.

    • Boss

      oh god wtf is this

    • Maggie

      Mallory, you’re strange. I really like it, and you’re funny, but you’re also really, really strange. I think it would be fun to smoke weed with you.