• Sat, Nov 3 2012

Why The Woman Being Sung To In The Spin Doctors’ 1993 Hit “Two Princes” Should Choose The Narrator

That's what I said now

First of all – and I don’t mean to be crass, but I think it’s important to be at least a little practical when it comes to choosing a life partner – the narrator is both a prince and a doctor. You will want for nothing; he will always have a backup plan. But that’s not the only reason.

“One has diamonds in his pockets/That’s some bread, now/This one said he wants to buy you rockets/Ain’t in his head, now.”

Leaving aside the perplexing idea this second prince wants to buy you rockets (are they fireworks? weapons-grade?), it’s frankly concerning that this man is carrying his wealth around in his pockets. Is he one of those militia types who refuses to open a bank account because he doesn’t trust the government? Will he force you to run survivalist drills at odd hours of the night, insisting that you’re going to have to be able to do pull-ups on a minute’s notice if you want to escape the welfare-addled masses? That’s some libertarian mess that you don’t need. Point: narrator.

“If you want to buy me flowers/Just go ahead now/And if you would like to talk for hours/Just go ahead now.”

Anyone you can talk to for hours is worth keeping around; plus, it’s charming that he’s not so hung up on gender stereotypes that he’ll feel threatened by you performing a big, romantic gesture. Buy him flowers! Spend a little cash! See how good it feels to be the wooer and not always just the wooed. You’ll never be bored with him.

“You marry him, your father will condone you/How ’bout that now/You marry me, your father will disown you/He’ll eat his hat, now.”

Do you see what a hopeless task pleasing your father is going to be if you keep at it? Even if you do marry the prince he endorses, the strongest note of approval he’s willing to strike is tolerance. He’ll condone it. He’ll allow for it. He won’t be happy – he’ll never be happy – he’ll always dangle his acceptance just a few inches out of reach and you’ll never be good enough. Fuck that. You disown him.

“Marry him or marry me/I’m the one that loves you, baby, can’t you see?/Ain’t got no future or family tree/But I know what a prince and lover ought to be/I know what a prince and lover ought to be.”

That’s love, you know? That’s love. And he’s kind of exaggerating on the “no future” thing – he is still a doctor/prince – but what’s a little poetic license? Marry him. Marry him or I will.

[Image via Flickr]

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  • http://twitter.com/TJCleaver Tom Cleaver

    The fact that he’s a prince notwithstanding his lack of known genealogical connections suggests that he must have been appointed heir on the basis of merit, so he’s likely to be quite a successful king when the time comes.

    • http://www.facebook.com/mallory.ortberg Mallory Ortberg

      Tom, you make an excellent point. Perhaps he rendered services above and beyond the call of duty to his kingdom; either way you can be sure you’re not marrying some spoiled rich man’s son.

  • http://www.facebook.com/sameurysm Samantha Escobar

    I AM NOT REMOTELY JOKING: I had Two Princes stuck in my head ALL DAY. This makes me very pleased.

  • http://twitter.com/mk_patter Megano!

    BRB, writing a fantasy story about a physician king now. It will clearly be called “Crown of Healing.”

  • Aero

    I always imagined she chose the narrator and that “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” was about their failed marriage.

  • Slutface

    But what of The King Of Wishful thinking? What about him?!?!