Thanks to a volatile combination of widespread body anxiety, fears of inadequacy and unending gullibleness (maybe just stupidity? or desperation?), there is a huge market for products that promise to help you lose weight by not doing anything. That is why seemingly every week we learn of new and increasingly ridiculous fashion items for weight loss/toning/eternal youth: whether it’s another lawsuit against another toning sneaker company, or maybe just calorie-burning Japanese underpants. Fuck it, how about weight loss perfume?
The fact of the matter is, sneakers, underwear, and perfume will not help anyone lose weight. Ever. They will, however, help suckers part with their money. …And that’s why we’re still having this conversation.
Wrangler will be getting into this special weight loss/toning/eternal youth fashion market with a line called “Denim Spa Therapy for Legs.” Much like the preposterous claims made by these Donna Karan tights, Wrangler’s jeans will boast an anticellulite and moisturizing element “infused” into the denim. They will also be jasmine-scented.
They won’t be in uncharted territory, however. The High Low explains:
In general, aloe vera seems to be the most popular new therapeutic ingredient in jeans, with both Gsus Sindustries (a Dutch brand) and Mohicano Jeans (from Chile) including the plant’s extracts in their lines. With the added components of vitamin E, amino acids, and antioxidants, Mohicano claims their denim reduces cellulite and stretch marks while increasing collagen production. Gsus says its aloe vera component protects the skin from environmental pollutants, thus preventing premature aging.
Though we may refer to these claims lightly, Wrangler tested its new jeans on 160 women, two-thirds of whom attested that their legs looked better after wearing the jeans every day for a month. (Just don’t expect the effects to last forever — Wrangler’s therapeutic qualities are supposed to make it through six to eight washes, tops.) Meanwhile, the weight-reduction claims made by the Italian brand LeRock were backed up by their testing on women at the University of Pavia.
Please, please, readers: reassure us! Tell us you would never buy caffeinated anti-aging denim. Or toning sneakers. Or weight loss perfume.