Today is an important day! It’s been a close race, but President Barack Obama has virtually the entire feminazi/baby eater/socialist/Islamo-fascist contingent in his corner (what do they talk about when they get together?). Anyway, there are a few paths to victory for each candidate but the media (and its liberal bias) is sounding hopeful in Obama’s direction.
So, what could possibly help in the eleventh hour, with Mitt Romney‘s uphill battle looking so steep?
…Prayer. A metric fuckton of prayer.
Look, we have absolutely nothing against prayer (that would be stupid and awful of us) but our new favorite webpage RomneyMegaPrayer goes a little bit beyond just mega prayering. Let’s start with some true facts:
Did you guys know that Christians overwhelmingly support Mitt Romney? Further, that Christians are good people (thumbs up!) so their votes matter harder. Moreover, non-Christians are misguided (QED). In our next true fact, we know the Bible says something. Last, that Mitt Romney will lose on Election Day.
Individually, these true facts make perfect sense because they are indeed true facts. But taken together, could they mean something more?
Why yes, yes they could:
Didn’t think they were going to appeal to science, did you? As you can see from that discolored link up there, we decided to read one of those hundreds of scientific studies. That one basically showed that having a family support system is good for people in the hospital. In other words, people who have the support of their families (religious or otherwise) fare better than those who are left to die alone.
But don’t be distracted by the amazing tits on that cartoon lady, because there are a lot of arguments on RomenyMegaPrayer that no do necessarily follow. For example, if that science bit didn’t sway you, perhaps history will:
Before we pretend Aristotle never existed, maybe we should examine these claims more closely. First of all, who attributed this victory to prayer? Second, if prayer can affect a battle, how does it follow that it can affect an election? Is an election a kind of battle? Doesn’t really matter as long as the Muslims lose, though. Right, history?
Maybe it’s just better that you go to RomneyMegaPrayer and check out this phenomenal scrolldown adventure yourself. Or…
Fuck it. It’s Election Day, let’s vote:
Sorry! This poll is now closed.
PS: The site is almost certainly satire.