• Tue, Nov 6 2012

F*ck, Marry, Kill: Barack Obama. Mitt Romney. …Ron Paul?

Guys! Stop wasting time on the internet–go vote! Go be a citizen! Exercise your rights! Then come back and read this extremely probing and serious political discussion in which editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff parse the benefits of FMK’ing the following politicians: Barack Obama, Mitt Romney and… Ron Paul, for lack of a better choice (after all, he’s always going to be there). Ahead, we consider the consequences of the media’s liberal bias and potentially commit treason. Free speech is awesome!

Jennifer:  Okay. So I proposed doing a Fuck Marry Kill with presidential candidates, and I wanted to do Mitt Romney, Barack Obama and Margaret Thatcher, but Ashley wouldn’t let me, probably because she’s xenophobic and hates women. So we decided on Ron Paul. In which case, I feel I should ask – could we consider “snuggle” as a fourth option?

Ashley:  Because Ron Paul looks like an adorable marionette?

Jennifer: Precisely. Or a Raggedy Andy doll. Or that guy from Saw with the cute bowties.

Ashley: Every time I see him talk, I’m reminded of the particular South Park animations of characters who have lower jaws that move  independently of their faces, like Terrence and Phillip. Or Saddam Hussein.

Jennifer:  Hahahahahaahah.

Ashley: It’s true.

Jennifer: He’s so cute. So, marry Ron Paul for those reasons? No. I mean, let’s be honest. I’d probably marry Romney. I’m currently googling “Romney private school for children.”

[time passes]

Belmont Hill School for Boys. Oh, okay, Obama’s kids go to Sidwell Friends School. Kind of a toss-up. Though I like the one gender thing! I think it teaches them to repress their feelings better.

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  • Fabel

    Ashely made a pretty compelling argument for fucking Mitt Romney, but I had to go with Obama. Also, I love you guys.

    • Fabel

      *Ashley

    • Ashley Cardiff

      It’s okay. I misspell my name half the time anyway.

  • http://twitter.com/keanesian Meghan Keane

    Dudes. Ron Paul isn’t even on the ballot. Gary Johnson is the libertarian candidate this year. Also Jill Stein, the green candidate, would probably be a better candidate for this than Ron Paul.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      THIS IS WHY WE NEED ADULTS.

    • http://twitter.com/JenAshleyWright Jennifer Wright

      DOES JILL STEIN WEAR CUTE BOWTIES LIKE THAT GUY IN SAW? I DON’T THINK SO.