In Honor Of Our Founding Fathers, Here’s Some Douchey Sex Advice From Benjamin Franklin

Happy election day! As you go off to do your civic duty at your local polling place, bear in mind that you’re part of a grand tradition started by our founding fathers with the goal of making the United States of America the very best country in the world. But what were these great men like when they weren’t inventing electricity and writing the constitution? Answer: pretty freaky, mostly. And constantly cheating on their wives.

Take, for example, this 1745 letter Benjamin Franklin wrote to a friend about how to choose a mistress. I won’t copy and paste the whole thing, but the pertinent bit is that he advised him to cheat on his wife with older women, rather than younger ones, for the following reasons:

1. Because They have more knowledge of the world, and their minds are better stored with observations, their conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.

Translation: older people are more interesting. I don’t necessarily disagree. But wait, there’s more!

2. Because when women cease to be handsome they study to be good. To maintain their influence over men, they supply the diminution of beauty by an augmentation of utility. They learn to do a thousand services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old woman who is not a good woman.

Translation: older/uglier women (which are totally the same thing) have to try harder to be cool.

3. Because there is no hazard of children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much inconvenience.

Older ladies can’t get pregnant (except when they can).

4. Because through more experience they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an intrigue to prevent suspicion. The commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the affair should happen to be known, considerate people might be rather inclined to excuse an old woman, who would kindly take care of a young man, form his manners by her good counsels, and prevent his ruining his health and fortune among mercenary prostitutes.

They are sneakier than young women, and nicer than prostitutes.

5. Because in every animal that walks upright the deficiency of the fluids that fill the muscles appears first in the highest part. The face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the neck; then the breast and arms; the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: so that covering all above with a basket, and regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of two women to tell an old one from a young one. And as in the dark all cats are gray, the pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal, and frequently superior; every knack being, by practice, capable of improvement.

Vaginas deteriorate slower than faces, and older women know how to wield them better.

6. Because the sin is less. The debauching a virgin may be her ruin, and make her for life unhappy.

Older woman have no feelings.

7. Because the compunction is less. The having mad a young girl miserable may give you frequent bitter reflection; none of which an attend the making an old woman happy.

8th and lastly. they are so grateful!!

I can’t help thinking Ben Franklin would totally have been on Reddit, had the Internet existed back then.

(Via Kotaku)

Photo: Wikimedia Commons

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