• Thu, Nov 8 - 6:00 pm ET

Sexual Assault Survivor Seeking Fetlife Community Support Gets Victim-Blamed Instead

Some of you may have heard of Fetlife, but for those of you who haven’t, it’s a free online kink community where users can meet one another, swap stories, educate others and feel overall supported for lifestyle choices that may not be widely accepted in mainstream culture. I’m on Fetlife, as a matter of fact (though I admittedly don’t use it anymore), and one of my best friends is an extremely active member whose educated me on quite a bit about the kink community which she loves and treasures dearly.

From my experiences as well as hers, the kink community is a mostly great one full of acceptance, discussion and diversity. BDSM has often been criticized by people who don’t understand that consensual, respectful play is not a bad thing. However, the key word in that mix is “consensual.”

Fetlife tends to pride itself on being widely accepting and non-misogynistic. Sadly, however, it’s recently become clear that quite a few slut-shaming folks have set up shop there.

Dayna, a member of Fetlife, posted on the site about being sexually assaulted on Halloween, as she felt she would have people willing to hear her story and interested in what happened to her. She wrote that while walking through campus in Belfast, Ireland, wearing a hoodie and jeans while on the way to a bar, she was asked by a group of men (or “gaggle of revelers,” as she called them) who asked what she was supposed to be. She smiled, as one might do when strangers ask you a silly question, and stated that she didn’t have a costume.

Instead of leaving her alone, the men began to circle around her, taunting her with questions about why she wasn’t wearing a costume. Attempting to laugh it off, she said “Happy Halloween!” and insisted she had to be going, but they continued surrounding her, telling her to give one of them a kiss because she wasn’t wearing a costume.

From her post, entitled “How Rape Culture Ruined My Hallowe’en”:

He’s standing in my way and the dog is behind him watching and urging him to follow. Whatever, I bump my jaw against his mouth and try and walk off. He grabs my wrists. Apparently that wasn’t good enough. I notice he’s actually holding them really friggin’ tight. I’m trying to laugh it off, and I tell him my sister’s waiting in the car for me and I’m late – he’s still not letting me go. Dog is walking away bored. I don’t see anyone else. I’m afraid. My voice is getting a little too shrill and a little too loud. He’s really hurting my wrists. I twist one arm and get it free. He grabs my boob instead, and uses it to literally pull himself towards me, tonguing all over every part of my face he can get. It’s so painful I cry out.

I am quite clearly struggling. I am being loud, shrill, and panicked. No one, butno one, could have mistaken this for acceptable.

Two women walk past, look me dead in the eye, and turn away, speeding up a little. Right in the eyes. My pleading, desperate, please-God-help-me eyes….

I was angry at those women for leaving me. That asshole – not for assaulting me, specifically – the rage was because I’m sure he thought he was being harmless.Myself. Why couldn’t I save myself? Why did I bring it on myself? Fuck, why am I blaming myself? My bad it happened, my bad for thinking that, my bad for not doing this, or this, or this. Angry at my friends for not being mindreaders and then angry at myself again for expecting them to be. Angry at the world that allowed this dude to get to his early twenties without learning what is and is not okay to do to other people. Angry at the world that made those two ladies too afraid to stop him. Angry at the world that makes me too afraid to tell my mother who would hold me and soothe me and cry with me if she knew. Angry at the world that had sexually brutalised her to the point that this information would destroy her. Angry that the justice system (scoff, scoff) doesn’t give a fuck and can do nothing. The I don’t care, get over it, it wasn’t a big deal and also kinda your fault, system. I’m so angry.

I’m so angry people still try and deny rape culture exists as a pervasive, damaging, unacceptable part of our society.

I’m so angry about what has to happen for people to notice.

I’m so angry about what happens and they still don’t notice.

I’m so angry.

1 2 next  next
Share This Post:
Related Topics: Culture • • • •
  • KMF

    Those comments make my skin crawl. The abused part of me wants them to know suffering like we have. The better part of me wants them to know compassion and empathy.

    • http://www.facebook.com/sameurysm Samantha Escobar

      I know that feeling, and it’s always so difficult to resist… I would never wish rape on somebody else, but I do wish people could empathize on how much difficult it is. All of the “why didn’t you fight back?” types make me so livid because it’s like asking somebody why they didn’t prevent a car crash by jumping in front of a bus.

  • Somnilee

    While all those comments are horrible, I feel I have to pick up on the weapon bearing ones and the fighting back ones specifically.
    In the UK it’s an offense to carry a weapon, and we also have some twisted justice system where if you are attacked/mugged/etc and cause damage to your attacker, YOU can get charged with GBH and assault! Add that to a culture where rape reports often aren’t taken seriously, and you’re wound up violated and then arrested for attempting to protect yourself while your attacker walks free, because it’s your word against theirs.

    My only advice would be to carry a rape alarm (it makes an awful noise when you pull a pin, and can be discreetly sewn into a bag or coat), learn some non-violent self defense (judo/jujitsu is a good bet because it’s purely reactionary, you have to have been attacked to retaliate so it will look better in court) and then practice running like the dickens because your attacker probably will follow and will now be mad as all hell.

    Rape and sexual assault is never the fault of the victim, but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared in a sensible way (please don’t take that as victim blaming, I’m only trying to help).

    • http://www.facebook.com/sameurysm Samantha Escobar

      It really, really sucks that we live in the type of world where people have to think about making sure they don’t harm their attackers, particularly to avoid how it would look in court. Guh. :( And I know you’re not victim-blaming! I think it doesn’t hurt to be prepared, either; I just desperately wish it weren’t necessary.

  • Lauren

    I’m a member of FL as well and was appalled by these comments when I read this post. I have sadly become increasingly aware of the true prevalence of “rape culture” over the past several months. As someone who has experienced being sexually assaulted (unfortunately more than once) I can testify that no matter how prepared you may be it is a terrifying experience and one is often left with a “deer in the headlights” type of panic feeling where you just can’t physically move. It’s terrible. I can also understand why she went and tried to block out the memory by partying with her friends right afterwards instead of going to the police. Victim blaming exists w/in the law as well, many rape/sexual assault victims don’t report the crimes committed against them to law enforcement officers because of the stigma attached and the lack of positive results from such cases in the past. Many victims (myself included) feel shame, and anger, and desolation because there seems to be no point in pressing charges as it will only bring on more mental anguish. It is unfortunate, but the kink community, just like the rest of the world contains both good and bad eggs.

    • http://www.facebook.com/sameurysm Samantha Escobar

      Hey, sorry, I just saw this comment. It is deeply saddening that so many people have sort of disregarded rape as a truly horrible experience–even those people whom we’re supposed to expect support from. I am also a repeat survivor, which has always really upset me but I recently heard (from another one) the phrase, “It’s like when you get bit by one shark and all the others smell the blood, so they swim over to bite you, too.” I know it doesn’t make things better, but it does work as an excellent tool to explain it to other people…which is half the stress I get from the situation.

      If you ever need to talk to somebody who’s been through something similar (albeit I don’t know how similar since everybody’s experiences are different o’course), you’re welcome to email me. <3

  • BeccaTheCyborg

    I’ve known more than a few people who’ve left Fetlife because of its policy of shutting down survivors who’s been assaulted by other FL members, as well as being every bit as bigoted and misogynist as any other segment of society, despite their claims to the contrary.

    • http://www.facebook.com/sameurysm Samantha Escobar

      That is such a huge bummer. I’m not on it too often so I guess that’s why I missed it, but it really is such a terrible shame when supposedly supportive sites and people turn out to be exactly as bad as the others.