• Sat, Nov 10 2012

A Series Of Memos Regarding The Office Dress Code

Dress Code
From: HR
To: All employees
Subject: Office dress code

Employees will please be reminded that starting next Monday, November 12th, we will be adopting a consistent office dress code per your employee handbook. Thank you in advance for helping us maintain a professional work environment. As always, if you have any questions as to whether an outfit meets the guidelines, feel free to ask. Thanks!

From: HR
To: All employees
Subject: Re: Office dress code

A few of you have asked whether or not this policy applies to remote and work-from-home employees. It does.

From: HR
To: All employees
Subject: Re: Re: Office dress code
Hi again everyone,

A few of you have been sending in pictures of what you’re wearing in order to check it against company guidelines. That’s great, but please do remember to include your name somewhere so I know who you are. In the meantime, I’ll do my best to address your questions here. Closed-toed shoes are required all year long, even in summer. Denim is fine as long as there are no holes or visible tears in it. It’s not okay to wear white jeans with the phrase “TITS TITS TITS TITS TITS” scrawled everywhere in dry-erase marker, though. Would whoever sent that picture please change.

From: HR
To: All employees
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Office dress code

Okay, I’m getting a lot of pictures but you’re still not putting your names on them, everyone. One of you appears to be working from home and I don’t appreciate what you’re doing to that cat, which is clearly dressed up to look like me. That’s not in keeping with the guidelines. Also, I really shouldn’t have to say this, but human blood is not an appropriate substitute for a bra. It’s just not professional.

To the man with the red shoes: I don’t know how you managed it, but I shouldn’t even have to tell you that you can’t put shoes there. I shouldn’t even be able to see that part. Do any of you have your handbooks? It’s all spelled out very clearly in the handbook.

From: HR
To: All employees
Subject: Human skin is not appropriate outerwear

It’s not appropriate if it’s yours, and it’s definitely not appropriate if it’s someone else’s. Flesh capes are not business casual.

From: HR
To: All employees
Subject: To whoever wrote “TITS TITS TITS TITS TITS” on my door

I CAN HEAR YOU. I KNOW YOU’RE STILL OUT THERE AND I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO DO AND IT’S NOT GOING TO WORK. I HAVE LIKE SIXTEEN CLIF BARS IN HERE; I CAN LAST ALL WEEKEND.

[Image via Flickr]

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  • Em

    I can’t figure out the fucking stars. Anyway, many of them :-D

  • Em

    Also, what about heading to Home Depot instead of getting your ears gunned in the mall like a normal person? Is that allowed? Seriously, that photo is making my skull nervous.