• Wed, Nov 14 2012

Commenters Hate Me For Being Anti-Feminist (But I’m Not!)

anti-feminist

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Brandy Alexander and I consider myself a feminist.

Under my nom de plum, I’ve written this weekly sex and dating column for The Gloss for over two and a half years. I began with my barely-viewed confessional, Love in the Time of Zoloft, and covered topics including cohabitating, ex-girlfriends, loud neighbor sex, social media flirting, the missionary position, crash diets, and most recently, how I distastefully recalled my days as a college cock tease.

Not many people know about my pseudonymous column. If it comes up in conversation, I usually receive the exclamation, “Just like Carrie Bradshaw!” But Carrie Bradshaw didn’t climb the corporate career ladder and freelance blog to help offset both her student loans and her aspiration to one day publish that novel. Carrie Bradshaw didn’t date the same guy for the past three years and enjoy a pleasantly uneventful, long-term relationship that didn’t involve cheating or shoes. And Carrie Bradshaw didn’t have to worry about pageviews or commenters.

The commenters would have slaughtered sister Carrie.

They slaughtered me. What began as a written confessional eventually turned into an experiment in lady-blogging. I went so far as to define what one’s breakfast says about last night’s sex, a post that garnered a record amount of traffic, as well as justifiable anger. Some commenters thought it was idiotic, some were in on the joke. The joke was that I wrote it and they read it — and spread it.

Last week, the comments hit an all-time low. The column (How To Be A Cock Tease) was ridiculous, but it wasn’t a lie. It was the truth, proudly packaged in the confines of tongue-in-cheek humor gallery. The original title was “Confessions of a Cock Tease Prude,” though back in college I had no idea what I was. I just really liked flirting, enjoyed the attention, and was too uptight to go beyond second base.

It was over the top, so I anticipated eye rolls — but not vitriol. Here’s one of the comments:

You are literally the stupidest cunt I have ACTUALLY encountered on the internet [if this is real, if not, 10 points for trolling]. You are THE REASON women are pictured as vindictive conniving pieces of shit. And that’s what you are. I hope one of these men rape you and leave you alone in your sad little fucking world -Signed, Woman Kind.

Yes, it was a silly column. But did it really warrant rape threats? I was shocked that this column — the one about my exaggerated college experience as an attention-seeking prude — was deemed the end of feminism by Woman Kind.

So now I want to make myself clear: There is nothing wrong with being a cock tease! That’s the wonderful thing about how far we’ve come as women! I have the power to use my looks and brain and flirt my way into someone’s arm and then decide whenever I choose to whether or not I want to go through with having sex. I can control the situation, because it’s my situation to control. I can determine how I want to proceed with a man, because I decide I’m not attracted to him, because I’ve sobered up, because I’ve lost my nerve, or because I only wanted a meaningless flirtation.

Rather than flame me to death in the comments, my readers should have understood that a woman who feels like she needs to get drunk in order to play out a sexual fantasy — and chooses not to go through with it — grew up conflicted in a society that both adores and abhors the idea of a sexually free woman. Shy women can be libidinous but maintain hangups, and many women resolve hangups in a healthy way without having risky casual sex.

I have always considered myself a feminist. It means women have the freedom to make their own choices, and openly and honestly share their decisions. After all: if we can’t be honest under pen names, cloaked in the anonymity of the internet, when can we be honest with each other?

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  • Amy

    http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdbeukxOI01rc6bu9o1_1280.jpg

    That’s what all of those commenters are. Fuck ‘em. They are horse limes.

    • meteor_echo

      I am so stealing this from you – faster than you’d say “quidditch” :3

  • Lastango

    I’ve got to admit I don’t understand your post title. I’ve read through the comments in your “Cock Tease” post — there are only 13 of them — and noone seems to be saying anything at all about whether you are a feminist or not. So I checked the other links you provide to your pieces, and I don’t see anything there either.
    ======
    After that I moved on to your “What one’s breakfast says about last night’s sex” post, which you say “garnered a record amount of traffic, as well as justifiable anger” — but I couldn’t find any actual anger. The objections there seemed to be mostly that your piece wasn’t smart and wasn’t funny.
    ======
    That said, it’s too bad someone lashed out with the remark about rape. These days it seems nothing is too ugly to be said. It doesn’t even have to be true, or relevant. It just has to do as much damage as possible to the person being targeted.

  • Ara

    I LOVED ‘How To Be A Cocktease” and didn’t think it was anti-feminist at all. Plus it gave me great ideas for the next time I’m out and what to deflect some club-creep. “I’m saving myself for marriage.”

    • Tracheal

      Cock teasers are club-creeps too.

  • S_Park

    “I have always considered myself a feminist. It means women have the freedom to make their own choices, and openly and honestly share their decisions”
    The hostile comments you mentioned were incredibly rude and thoughtless. However, just because you can make a choice, that doesn’t make it a feminist choice.
    You don’t choose in a vacuum – your actions are shaped by and shape your environment.

    • Tracheal

      “It means women have the freedom to make their own choices, and openly and honestly share their decisions”

      Feminism really means that women have the right to rape rights, respect and resources from men and impose female responsibilities on men. Feminism is an asinine anti-male hate movement cloaked in the clever disguises of ‘choice’, ‘freedom’, ‘equality’ and ‘justice’. Stripped to it’s bare essence, feminism is no more than naked female supremacist bigotry.

    • S_Park

      Your response made me vomit a little bit.

      Feminism is a reaction to the existing male patriarchy present in our society, and is also a champion of fighting other extant hegemonic structures that exploit the oppressed.

      Gloss writers, you guys are feminists, help me out here.

    • Lo

      Yeah, this one belongs in the corner with the rape-wishing. Feminism is about equality — men aren’t superior to women, women aren’t superior to men. It’s as stupid to hate men as it is to hate women.

      Of course, I can’t stop anyone from applying the label to shitty behaviour, but a movement is not defined by the idiots at the extremes.

    • Tracheal

      Feminism is about anti-male scapegoating, female supremacist bigotry, and feebleminded falsehood. To hate feminism is NOT to hate women but to hate ‘hate’. Equality is a vapid Valley Girl fantasy that has nothing to do with feminism in theory or practice. Equality also has nothing to do with reality. Men are superior to women in many areas and women are superior to men in many other areas. We are different for good reasons. True equality (see The Woman Racket by Moxon) is something that is anathema to all but the most stupid feminists.

    • meteor_echo

      Please, please go back to your MRA website. We don’t need your long-winded and pointless speech that doesn’t even make sense here. “True equality (see The Woman Racket by Moxon) is something that is anathema to all but the most stupid feminists.” Really? So, you’re saying that “the most stupid feminists” are actually okay with true equality? Welp… logic, you no can haz.

    • Tracheal

      No. I’m saying that only a really stupid feminist would desire true equality or in other words mass female disposability. Again read The Woman Racket to understand what true equality looks like.

    • Tracheal

      Vomiting is appropriate for the hogwash that is feminism. Go listen to GirlWritesWhat on YouTube before you get all exercised about female oppression. Or go read Steve Moxon’s The Woman Racket for REAL oppression.

    • http://www.facebook.com/sameurysm Samantha Escobar

      Feminism is wanting women and men to be equal. And what exactly are “female responsibilities”? Sigh.

    • Tracheal

      Equality is the Big Lie. Bigoted female supremacism is theory and practice. Read Moxon’s The Women Racket for the whole scoop.

      Female responsibilities include dying 50+ percent for the vote in combat not 2%, dying 50/50 in the work place not 5% and sharing health care dollars equitability so that men who do the lion’s share of the worlds most dangerous, dirty and difficult work don’t die long before women do. It also means to stop lying, cheating and stealing like alley cats for female supremacist entitlements or sucking up to generals for special ‘all on’ related favors. Generally, it means that women become every bit as disposable as the male sex already is….and that’s the kind of true equality that you’ll never hear a peep about from feminists.

    • Jeshhy

      Oh wow. See, if those are the main problems males have to complain about, then I think you guys will be fine. Listen to yourself. You won’t hear feminists complaining about that because the are too busy arguing about the substantial equality problems the exist in our society and the woman face every damn day. The idea that males are in anyway indisposed when it comes to equality between sexes is quite frankly laughable. I hate the play the ‘who has it worse’ card, but you have NO IDEA. Granted, there are a few misandrists out there, but feminism is and has always been about equality.

      Perhaps the reason woman make up 2% of the deaths in combat is because woman are not allowed in majority of combat roles. As in, they do not have a choice. Clearly males are the ones being oppressed on that score. Right.

    • Tracheal

      Women, by and large, don’t CHOOSE to die in combat even when offered the opportunity. The biggest reason men die 98 to 2 is because we are fools. We choose to fight and die for feminist bigots who lie cheat and steal for female supremacist entitlements and of course for sex from ‘beautiful’ cock-teasers who love to bed the worst beasts.

      And oh since male mortality is obviously less important than all the silly no-things that feminist bigots whine about endlessly, you’ve made my point for me. Men are the oppressed disposable sex not women. But no worries. We may be slow but once we wake up, it’s game over because we already do know how to fight and die for OUR freedom.

  • tbird

    I’m going to send the “Cocktease” post to my college age boys, and ask them to be on the lookout for(and run from) this kind of behavior. I guess I’ve been sheltered I didn’t know that people acted out like this, I’m sure it comes from a place of confusion, pain or lack of self-esteem, but that’s no reason to play mind games with people. And any guy who wouldn’t accept your, “let’s just make out” was a jerk..

  • Lo

    When I read the cock tease article, I didn’t get the impression that it was about feminism. I got the impression that you were being a jerk. Nobody has to carry anything sexual all the way to the end, ever, but being a cock tease means deliberately giving a false impression. It’s different to flirting. I don’t care what sex you are, just be honest.

    However you might act around guys, wishing rape on you is just about the stupidest thing a commenter can do. I wish the article had been better-worded, but that’s about it. Going by the other comments, the rape-wisher seems to be in a dwindling minority.

  • Sara

    How about we apply the golden rule here and say, treat people the way you would want to be treated. Would you want some guy jerking you around just because he thought it was fun? I wouldn’t. And I wouldn’t want him to justify this behavior by professing he was “free” to do whatever he wanted. Yeah we’re all free to do whatever we want – but who wants to live with a bunch of people that take that freedom to act selfishly (and a bit vindictive)? Also labeling this behavior as within the realms of feminism I think shames the women who fought for equal rights.

    • Tracheal

      Now we’re talking. That said, feminism is about applying the golden rule FOR female supremacist gold but giving men the shaft. We don’t enjoy bigoted totalitarian travesties like VAWomanA in the name of ‘equality’. Good women need to insist on fairness from their Twisted Sisters or good men are going to get very very mad.

  • Jen

    Goodness gracious. I wasn’t going to comment but I think this outrage at your original post is a little ridiculous. Dating is about trying people out and getting to know someone, and there’s nothing wrong with enjoying feeling like people are attracted to you. Why are you obligated to sleep with them or have a relationship with them just because THEY like YOU? I don’t think the original article implied you are actually being an asshole to guys, just that you enjoy the flirtatious game of the beginning part of meeting someone… and don’t always feel like you need to follow through. Anyway, just wanted to show my support.

  • LCT

    Wow. Why does making out with someone at a bar have to be the precursor to sex? That was the main point of the original article, and I fully support it. It was OBVIOUSLY tongue-in-cheek.

    And yes this “expectation” of a binding social contract where man buys drinks or meal=man must get laid is EXACTLY what feminists are pissed about. That is pretty much the textbook definition of misogyny. Our bodies are our own, and they will stay that way, no matter what we wear or who we choose to flirt with.

  • mlirn

    Your habit of intentionally being insincere and misleading in your dealings with other people isn’t cute and I wish you wouldn’t drag feminism into it. I would be pissed if a man I was attracted to decided to toy with me and manipulate me and lead me on to stroke his own ego. Some harmless flirting that does’t lead anywhere is one thing, but trying to make people expect something so you can pull the rug out from under them is something entirely different. If you like having control over the situation then you can get it just as easily by being upfront about what you want and don’t want. That’s when honesty is a real virtue.

  • Cassie

    wow, that commentor has quite a few loose screws, i hope she finds help and researches what feminism actually means, because wishing rape as a punishment for a woman who wrote an article you don’t like is a far cry from feminism.

  • Tania

    The incoherence and rage being spewed by this Tracheal person is actually terrifying.

  • me

    Too many comments, and I haven’t read the other article. That said – just dressing femminine doesn’t imply that you are going to have sex with someone immediately. Any guy who ASSUMES it’s happening (or any woman) is getting ahead of oneself, and ends up looking like an ass. Especially if you are just meeting someone and one or the other or both of you is drunk! I really think it is important for people to be honest and connect, but really, that works better sober. Not saying there is anything wrong with drinking, but, it is easy enough to get your signals crossed.

  • Charlsie

    I thought your post was honest and real. Lots of young women enjoy attention and flirting more than anything else, and conversely, lots of young men are only interested in sex. Especially in college. Obviously this doesn’t apply to everyone, but that’s the basic landscape of a college campus these days. Or at least that is what the media keeps telling me.

    Sex has consequences that flirting, getting drunk, and changing your mind does not. I didn’t think anything you said was all that shocking, or all that surprising, or outside the norm. Don’t let the haters get to you – the only reason they leave messages like that is for attention. At least you are honest enough to own up to your need for it.

  • Jeanette

    I’m late to the party, but I read this and your “How to Be a Cock Tease,” and I don’t see why any one would get upset. Guys shouldn’t expect sex from kissing. Women shouldn’t feel obligated to please guys. We have come so far, and yet most of my girl friends feel like if they go so far with a guy they *have* to put out or worse if a guy takes them out to a nice restaurant, they *have* to put out. Honestly, wtf. We aren’t made to please men. We were made to be ourselves.
    Great writing. I’m sorry about the trolls.