• Thu, Nov 15 2012

10 Epic Lies To Tell If You Run Into Former Classmates When You’re Home This Holiday

"Actually, I invented a special kind of glue."

Thanksgiving, for those who go back to their hometowns, is pretty much a mini high school reunion. Unless you play it safe and stay inside your parents’ house, like I do, you’re absolutely going to run into someone from your past. It’s inevitable. And if you’re one of those who thrives on situations like that, then you’ll probably be the first one at the local bar right after Thanksgiving dinner waiting to “accidentally” bump (read: hurl yourself deliberately) into someone with whom you graduated from school.

Before Facebook, you could move away from your hometown, reinvent yourself and show up with an entire world of lies in your back pocket for the impressing. Such a tactic isn’t as easy as it once was before social media, but that doesn’t mean you can’t fudge the facts about your life a bit. (Although if trying to one-up your entire graduating class has always been your intention, you should have known better than to be completely honest on your Facebook profile.)

So if your goal in life was to succeed just to make some sort of statement about your high school days — and those of us geeky kids definitely tried — you might as well go all out in the lie category; go EPIC. Who cares if it doesn’t match Facebook, seems completely ridiculous and you stutter over your facts? Geniuses are a strange breed, so it’s not your fault that you’re not making sense. Just remember that you didn’t invent Post-Its — someone already did that.


Photo: Touchstone Pictures

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  • Sean

    You forgot “I’m the drummer for “.

    No one ever calls bullshit if you claim to be a drummer.

    • Sean

      Wait, that went weird. I said “moderately popular band”.

    • Amanda Chatel

      Haha… yes, this is very true! Then you can say you have “Dave Grohl-type aspirations” so as to set up your lie for next year.

    • Sean

      You don’t even need to pretend to have Dave-Grohl type aspirations. That would indicate you intend to be huge. No one believes pipe dreamers.

      I once told a girl in university I was the drummer for Smoother.

    • Amanda Chatel

      Based on “in university,” I’m going to assume you’re from our neighbor to the north and, therefore, Smoother is a Canadian band?

    • Sean

      Yes and yes. I’m in Toronto, and Smoother was a one-hit-wonder from the area in 2001. The song is still pretty catchy.

      They fit all the necessary elements of the lie. Known but not well-known, and they had a drummer.

    • Amanda Chatel

      Well, Sean, that video is blocked in my country. Damn it! I’ll see if I can track them down elsewhere.

    • Sean

      Don’t work too hard. As I mentioned it’s catchy, but it’s not life-changing.