• Sat, Nov 17 2012

What Will Happen To The Cast Of Twilight Now That They Have Outlived Their Usefulness


Possible fates for the cast members now that the franchise has ended, in order of ascending probability:

  • Group wedding
  • Everyone gets cast in Ryan Murphy’s reimagining of Freaks and Geeks
  • Become pack of trained archaeologists; travel the world giving lectures at significant dig sites and recovering important artifacts
  • Allowed to join the Spy Kids franchise
  • The lifeclocks inserted in each one of the principles’ palms will begin to blink red. “Renew,” they will say to each other with grim, set faces. “Time for Carousel.”
  • Pressed into lifelong service in Stephenie Meyer’s infamous apple mines
  • Ritually sacrificed in order to ensure next year’s fruitful harvest and a bountiful crop of fresh ingenues
  • Permanent station attendants at Harry Potter theme park
  • Driven out to the forest, pushed out of car, told “You’re on your own now. You don’t belong here! Get out! Get going! Can’t you see you’re not wanted anymore?” by sobbing Summit executive
  • All sent to live on a big farm somewhere upstate, with lots of room to run and plenty of other actors to play with. You should have seen their faces. They were so happy, sweetheart. It’s for the best.
  • Just make some other movies, probably

    [Image via Flickr]

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  • Lisa

    Twilight farm! Twilight farm!

  • Lo

    Fully recycled as the cast of the Fifty Shades films, thereby proving Christian Grey’s commitment to sustainability.