The First Five Hours After An Energy Drink


Hour one: Euphoria. A heightened sense of well-being and a decreased pain response. Pupils dilate, then disappear entirely. Fingernails grow at roughly three times their normal speed, but the effects are not yet noticeable until hour four. Inhibitions are reduced. The entire world begins to shake. Throat becomes permanently and terrifyingly dry. Everything appears “EXTREME.”

Hour two: Hair on the head, if any, begins to fall out. Remaining hair forms sentient clump capable of long-range planning and strategy. The sense that one’s curtains have also become one’s enemies grows increasingly profound. Capable of, but uninterested in, flying like a bat. Strong urge to kick everything. Capable of understanding all known human languages. Suspicious of anything that lives in or has touched the sea. Slight buzzing undertone to speech.

Hour three: Death.

Hour four: Reanimation, but not the good kind, like in religion – the bad kind, like in The Monkey’s Paw or Pet Sematary. Sinews begin to disintegrate; no longer necessary as they have been replaced by angry violin strings.

Hour five: Ascension to Battle Mode. Fingernails begin steadily generating armor that now winds itself around hands, knees and throat. Exhaustion replaces all other sensations; the desire for sleep becomes maniacal yet unrealizable. Number of eyes ranges from four to seven, at least one of which can see only into hell.

[Image via Flickr]

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    • Robert

      What idiot wrote this?