You Can’t Take My Energy Drinks Away From Me

monster energy drinks

Do you know why? Because if you try to take my energy drinks away from me I will pretty much throw a car at you. I have so much energy that I am currently cradling a Chevrolet like a baby!

I know, I know. Energy drinks keep killing people. According to NBC:

The Food and Drug Administration said on Monday that it was investigating reports of five deaths that may be associated with Monster Beverage Corp’s energy drink.

And now it’s happening again with 5 Hour Energy.

This broke my heart, the way it might break yours to find out that your comforting, childhood stuffed animal was secretly a serial rapist. Because I love energy drinks. I especially love Zero Calorie Monster. I drink it every day. I’d say it’s because I am chronically sleep deprived, but I’m not. I get between seven and eight hours almost every night (and I realize this puts me in a vast majority of people on the planet right now). But I am still tired a great portion of the time. And no, I’m not anemic. I keep having my doctor test me every year when I go in thinking “maybe this is the year we’ll detect anemia!” but no, I think I’m just one of those people who need 9 hours of sleep a night to feel well rested. So, the opposite of the sleepless elite, really. I am sleepy hoi polloi, basically.

I’ll never survive the apocalypse and become a cannibal king, because that position will totally be occupied by one of those people who sleep 4 hours a night. Like Napoleon.

That makes me so sad.

Do you know what helps with that? Zero Calorie Monster. I have never experienced heart palpitations as a result. Or anything negative, really. It hasn’t even made me unable to sleep. I have experienced a mild feeling of energy that has made me able to get through my day without napping at my desk.

Look, I am mildly worried about the whole “energy drinks seeming to kill people business.” But, well, they have not killed me. They have not caused me to sweat profusing or talk with my teeth chattering like a cocaine addict. And I do drink them pretty regularly, and, if anything, they seem to add to the overall quality of my days.

I am considering giving them up, now, in the same way I always consider giving up drinking, because ultimately I am sure neither one is great in the long run, but both seem to offer more in the way of positive results than negative ones.

I mean, you can’t write without drinking, and you can’t throw a car without energy drinks (joking, in both cases).

However, if you want to pry my energy drinks away from me, because you, yourself are a monster, and I assume you will be doing so to weaken me, do you have any suggestions on natural way to increase your energy? I already exercise. This is the first thing everyone says “try exercise.” That’s not true.That makes me mildly awake. I want cradling a small automobile awake. Go.

Also, do you drink tons of energy drinks? We should know one another so we’ll be able to locate stashes following the apocalypse.


Picture via Monster Energy

Share This Post:
    • Fabel

      You are not alone. Every time I see headlines about 5-hour energy drink deaths, I become afraid that they will ban them.

      • Jennifer Wright

        So scared, Fabel, so scared.

    • jamiepeck

      This could be a sign you’re not eating enough food. (High energy food, healthy food, regular food, whatever.) As you yourself have previously discussed, zero calorie monster doesn’t count. I’m also tired a lot, think I’m going to start taking iron and b vitamins.

    • Mars

      Sounds like I have the same sleep problem except that I WAS diagnosed with anemia. Problem is, I’ve been taking the iron supplements for 5 or so months and they’ve done nothing. Monster and coffee drinks barely keep me at functioning level. :|

    • AshleyJS

      I used to be there but it’s a fake addiction. Quit drinking them, drink enough water, eat enough (but not too much, that slows you down too) and you’ll be fine. I have a cup of coffee in the morning and that’s all I need. I do still drink energy drinks when I want a quick pick me up before a night out or something.

    • Lauren

      I’m addicted to caffeine, but not energy drinks. I have yet to find one that I can tolerate the taste. I’m your typical coffee lush. I’ve taken 5hr energy and handful of times when I was a Zumba instructor. I taught after an 8hr work day so some days I just did not have the energy to dance around like a jackass and motivate others to do the same. Those definitely worked, and didn’t give me any side effects as long as I ate enough that day. So while this ban wouldn’t really affect me, I wouldn’t want anyone taking my beloved coffee from me so I am on your side.

      Free the Energy Drinks!