Dating Hijinks: From Eating With Bald Gums To The ‘Toothbrush Guy,’ Someone Save Our Readers From Any Further Trauma

Hey there, cutie! Wanna make out?

On Wednesdays, Amanda Chatel will be sharing stories about her strange, fascinating and sometimes wonderful dating life. If it makes you want to date, check out TheGloss dating page.

With Thanksgiving tomorrow, how can we not cover some food/teeth/toothbrush-related dates? It would be a severe injustice not to do so! I also may want to inflict some of these images onto your brain so I won’t be alone tomorrow afternoon when I conjure them back up mid-turkey bite.

Since you guys, our amazing readers, are continuing to drown my inbox with your horror stories (I actually got a couples of positive ones, but am saving those), I’m going to keep on posting your tales until I’ve run the well dry. It will also keep me out of my own awkward dating situations for awhile, and at the end of the day it all comes down to me, myself and I. I kid! No, really I do. Maybe.

The first story comes from Maggie who, although not having ridiculous dating stories of her own, decided to share one from her mother’s experience in the online dating world. As we’ve seen before, there seems to be no end to the lying that goes on in online dating profiles and this one definitely teaches us more than one lesson.

A few months into Mom’s online adventures, a man she had been messaging for a few weeks called her out of nowhere to say he was in town, and wanted to meet. Before we go any further, I have to tell a bit about my Mother. She is, all bias aside (well, maybe not ALL bias), incredibly intelligent, well-educated, and gorgeous. Despite being in the second half of her fifties, she looks at least ten years younger, and is outgoing and active. So anyway, Mom agreed to meet up with “G” (“G” stands for geezer, ’cause he was fucking old), for the first time for coffee.

When she got there, it was a disaster. G’s online profile picture must have been at least 15 years old, because this guy looked to be in his late sixties. Not only that, but he had apparently lied to her about all of his “interests.” She tried to discuss books; he said he didn’t read. She tried to discuss music; he said he only listened to AM radio. Basically, they had nothing in common. My Mother, being the nice person she is, invited him to her house for dinner that night, since he had driven about three hours to get there.

Before dinner, they were watching a “Riverdance” TV special. I don’t know if Irish dance is as big in the States as it is in Canada, but a lot of East Coast Canadians go ape-shit for it. (Chatel note: “We do! But apparently, we’re not as obsessed here in the States.”) My Mom kept trying to make conversation, until G started shushing her. Any time she would try and speak during a performance, and keep in mind they were in her living room, G would shush her and say he really wanted to watch it “without distractions.”

Finally, when dinner was ready, the best part of this story happened: Before they sat down to eat, G excused himself to the washroom, and came back to the table… WITH NO TEETH. That’s right. This man, whose online dating profile said he was in his “mid-fifties,” took out his false teeth before having dinner with a woman he had just met. He then proceeded to complain that her food was “too chewy.”

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    • Breezy

      Lisa- I love you for being honest with him! It’s a tough spot to be in, especially because it’s so customary to whip out a canned response that is probably bullshit. I wish it were more common for people to just say “I wasn’t into it.” You don’t even need a reason! If you aren’t feeling it, you aren’t feeling it and you don’t need to explain it. The end. Let’s all start dong this, shall we?

      • Amanda Chatel

        And you’re up next week Breezy! xo.

      • Lisa

        Thanks Breezy! It was rough, but I hate lying (not to mention that I’m bad at it). I wish people also understood that you don’t really need a reason…it’s like you said, you don’t feel it, you don’t feel it. End of discussion. Let’s all accept it, appreciate the honesty and being treated like a human, and move on with our lives.