• Thu, Nov 22 2012

The Misanthropologist: Things I’m Thankful For

Dear readers, this time every year we run a column by the beloved, mysteriously departed Elizabeth Richard AKA The Misanthropologist, in which she lists off all the things for which she’s thankful (ostensibly). We are still very fond of this post (and we are eating right now) so we thought we’d bring it back for you.

I don’t even know how I’m writing this. I am so ready to drink. All I can think about is drinking. But I still have to write some shit for this column so I’m hopping on the lazy blogger bandwagon and just submitting a list of shit I’m thankful for.

1. The Last of the Mohicans. I’ve never seen this movie, but from the box I assume it’s about Thanksgiving. I don’t know much about Thanksgiving, either, but isn’t it a celebration of how when Native Americans have kids with Pilgrims they produce super hot kids who look like Daniel Day Lewis? So yeah, I’m thankful for it because I feel like if I ever get around to watching The Last of the Mohicans, it will teach me about Thanksgiving.

2. The theme from The Last of the Mohicans. Now that I know really well. I play it whenever I try to have sex with people.

3. The theme from Jurassic Park. It makes me feel like my life isn’t so small and useless.

4. The first few hours in the morning when you’re really able to just yell at strangers and not think about the consequences.

5. When grocery stores demo new items and have those little sample trays out: you can just stand there eating them one by one and if you stare really intensely at the guy giving out the samples and your eye contact never wavers, he won’t do anything, he’ll just look back at you silently because you’ve seen inside of him and he is an imposter.

USA #1!

…Fuck. I’ve already run out of ideas. I’m not a very appreciative person. Here’s a list of things I’m definitely not thankful for.

1. Smoking when you have the hiccups.

2. Ballpark nacho cheese

3. Children on airplanes/the subway/buses/nice restaurants

4. Children

5. Public restrooms

6. The way only one side of my headphones work

7. Bono

8. Having to pretend that I like foreign films

9. Basically everyone I’ve ever dated

10. Libertarians

11. Why isn’t Pop Up Video still on television?!

12. The guy from Maroon 5

13. The smell of old people

14. The smell of old peoples’ houses

15. Eat Pray Love

16. Melted cheese that has come to room temperature slightly

17. The word “turgid”

18. Pudding skin

19. Self-help books

20. Religious Studies majors

21. People who blame “the media”

22. People with @hotmail.com addresses

22. Overalls

22. The Ivy League

23. Belly buttons or feet

24. People who use “penultimate” wrong

25. Guy Fieri

25 and 1/2. Emeril Lagasse

26. People who take pictures of paintings with their phones at museums

27. People who keep telling me if I stop buying coffee every day, I’ll save like $20k a year. They are liars.

28. Liars

29. Why does Donald Duck wear a shirt but no pants?

30. People who want you to hear their band

31. The Hard Rock Cafe

32. People who put on make-up while driving

33. Vitamin D milk

34. Lip gloss

35. Los Angeles

36. People who drive

37. People who spend two weeks in Venice and then won’t stop beginning sentences with, “In Italy…” and talking about how they “lived” in Italy.

38. People who go to foreign countries to find themselves.

39. Every single cover of Life & Style magazine of all time

40. Vegans

41. John Mayer

42. Square toed anything

43. Night terrors

44. People who are rude to waiters

45. Kings of Leon

46. College students who have posters of Starry Night on their walls

47. People who don’t tell you when you have food in your teeth or when your skirt is caught in your tights or when  your make-up is all over your face

48. False hope

49. People who phrase a request “Can I borrow your food/a cigarette/a tampon” when they are not going to borrow it, they are in fact taking it. Forever

50. People who smugly declare “I don’t own a television.”

51. Taylor Swift

52. Flip-flops

53. Paisley

54. WHY DOES EVERYONE LIKE GLEE?

55. Reality television show contestants who blame “the editing”

56. Reality television

57. How is Kid Rock still famous?!

58. People who pronounce it “Tar-jzhay”

59. People who post about their political beliefs on your Facebook wall or change their relationship status for the drama

60. Facebook

61. Celebrities who get nose jobs and cite “breathing problems” or “deviated septums”

62. People with “diabetes”

63. TORY BURCH

64. Youtube commenters

65. People who want your signature and so ask loaded questions like, “Do you have a minute for endangered species/gay rights/neglected children”?

66. White people who complain about being oppressed. Ever.

67. Rich people who complain about being oppressed. Ever.

68. People who leave voicemail

69. Vegemite

70. Traffic

71. Cubicles

72. Guys who can’t grow facial hair growing facial hair

73. Cyclists who think they have the right of way

74. People talking to me

75. Spiderman on Broadway

76. White people who bitch about gentrification

77. People ordering lattes “half caf,” “extra foam,” etc AT STARBUCKS. It all tastes like shit equally.

78. Chihuahuas

79. Sour cream, mayonaisse, thousand island dressing, ranch dressing

80. White people with Kanji tattoos

81. Rich white people who claim they are Buddhists

82. How hard it is to feed cats to ATMs

83. Perez Hilton

84. Audrina Patridge

85. Child beauty pageants

86. People who let their dogs cut you off as you’re walking

87. People who brag about their iPhones

88. People who go to clubs

89. Kim Kardashian. All the Kardashians.

90. Taylor Swift again

91. Miley Cyrus

92. Myself

93. Fred Durst being alive

94. People who suck food off their fingers when eating with their hands

95. People who talk loudly in confined public spaces like subway cars and elevators

96. Paper cuts

97. Razor scooters

98. People who have ferrets

99. Lacking ambition

…Fuck the holidays. See you when this hangover subsides.

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  • Lea

    This seriously made my week.
    THANK YOU!

  • Lea

    And I want to hug you for the American Psycho reference (82).

  • Gimmy

    With you on everything except the Vegemite.

  • Kat

    Haha, drunk blogs are always the best! Rich people complaining annoys the ever loving crap out of me.

  • bodo

    72. Guys who can’t grow facial hair growing facial hair

    Dont hate on me! Shaving nonexistant facial hair is depressing!

  • mel

    lols..this is so hilarious! im giggling here and cant stop it :D

  • Karen

    What about using LOL and OMG and using shortening totally to totes. Those should totes be on there. And I totes agree with EVERYthing. Except #22. Not that one. Bitch.

  • Nancy

    Pop Up Video is back, baby!

  • Tania

    Aww, I was so excited because I thought the real thing was back. :(

  • MM

    WTF is tar-jzhey?? Other than that I agree with everything on this list.

    • Fabel

      Target!

    • MM

      Like the store? (In that case it’s probably my Canadian-ness showing. Ha!)

  • Fabel

    I miss this! Why is Elizabeth Richard mysteriously departed?

    • Paulina Conejos

      Yeah, whatever happened to her? :c

  • sherry_b

    i miss her!

  • Em

    I got so excited thinking she was back. :(

  • http://helloalle.com/ Alle

    Fuck Vegemite. That shit is disgusting.
    I say that as an Australian who was raised on the stuff. Personally I believe it’s to make us poisonous to the myriad of things that are trying to kill us. Acquired toxicity or whatever it’s called.

    And also I’m drunk.

  • MR

    I won’t question the things you dislike, but you butchered the film – obviously never read any of Fenimore Cooper = the guy in your photo above isn’t the Mohican. Everything from where I now live to Montreal was disputed territory, during the mid 1700s . Also the Iroquois were a Native American confederation who’s social and political foundation rested in women. In the movie, the attack of a renegade bunch of them shows colonial Native American warfare in its truest light. The Brits never know what hit them.

    • MR

      Just so you know he was called Deerslayer – artfully captured in the opening scene of the film.

    • MR

      PS. Ashley. Yeah, Natty Bumppo (he was white) was a rebel. I always liked Cooper’s spelling of his name.

  • payvi

    wow! i really enjoyed reading this. who is this Elizabeth Richard? Is she alive? hopefully, drunk:))