• Sat, Nov 24 2012

If You Really Were What You Wear


A thorough but by no means exhaustive look at what where you shop says about you.

American Apparel: You have a rash somewhere on your body right now that you definitely plan on getting checked out, even though you have yet to make a doctor’s appointment.

J. Crew: You own a boat, although you no longer know where it is. You are crisp and efficient, but deep down you know you are nothing without that boat. All of your sweaters have anchors on them – nowhere to wear them now. Nothing to do but search, and wait. Wait, and wander, and hope.

Anthropologie: You are reading this on a bicycle. You have always been on a bicycle. You don’t know where you’re going and you can’t stop the bicycle, although you want to, very much. There is a dog in your basket – a dog you have never seen before in your life. It’s always raining and you’re frightened.

Urban Outfitters: Every book that you own has been given to you as a gift; all of them are cloth-bound, never paperback or even hardcover.

Forever 21: Your allergies often act up. Many of your coworkers suspect you are faking your migraine attacks, but you aren’t. You own fourteen different black polyester micro-minis, each of which you have worn only once.

Crossroads/Aardvarks/thrift shops: You are never impatient when waiting in lines, a trait your friends find both endearing and deeply soothing.

Lululemon: All of your scarves are infinity scarves. This does not make you happy.

Target: You love Maria Bamford and part of you hopes that maybe she gets a tiny cut of the profits from what you buy there.

Ann Taylor: You often laugh a full-throated laugh while sitting at an oak-hewn table. Your laugh, like your will to live, is strong.

Banana Republic: You own many pairs of flats, an inexplicable type of shoe that serves no functional or stylish purpose. You wear dressy trousers with thin, useless sewn-in belts that do not actually hold up said trousers.

H&M: You have seen the devil and ripped a $6 blazer from his hands

These, of course, are the only clothing stores in the world; we shall therefore conclude without further comment.

[Image via Flickr]

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  • LCT

    This was glorious. Thank you.

  • mika

    You are the reason I almost never come to this site anymore.

    • Phoebe

      Wow, someone really knows how to take a joke!

    • BuickMacKane

      No, you are!

  • Amanda Chatel

    You’re right, Mallory. I am missing my boat. I stare out the window hoping beyond hope that it will miraculously show up on Houston. I type this with my anchor socks on at this very moment… softly weeping…