• Mon, Nov 26 2012

Cyber Monday: Productivity Will Be Extra Low At Work, Lying To Your Boss Will Be Extra High (And Fun)

Online shop until your hand freezes into a wonky claw shape!

If you find your boss coming around your desk more than usual today, you should know why by now: Cyber Monday. If your supervisor has all of a sudden decided to push their already annoying micro-managing ways into record-breaking overdrive as if they’re trying to win an invisible contest of being the most obsessive supervisor in the world, again, you’ll know why: It’s Cyber Monday!

If only companies would give Cyber Monday off to their employees (as most do for Black Friday) so people could focus on their online shopping without having to close about 10 different windows on their computers every time their boss approaches, that would be a very selfless act on business owners everywhere.

It’s not fun (or is it?) to be forced to say things to your boss like “Oh, yes, the Johnny Cakes file is right here and I’ve totally been studying it all day,” as you plant the palm of your hand over your computer scream as if covering up porn, when it’s really just a sweater for your sister that you know she’ll probably hate so you’ll get it in the end. As we can see, Cyber Monday is a bit of conniving and deceit, too. But aren’t most things in life?

Cyber Monday is that one day a year where all the little lies you’ve been telling your boss are finally used two fold, and you realize that although your job technically involves other responsiblities, you, after so many years being under the thumb of a tyrant, fully understand that fuck, yeah, you’re a goddamn master at pulling the wool over your boss’ eyes.

It’s as though you’ve be studying and working on your techniques for years and every Cyber Monday, you finally get to see the benefits that come with devoting your life to being a liar in the workplace. You are not a kiss ass! You are a straight-up half-ass employee with lies to tell so you can stay out of trouble! And today is your day to shine.

Have you actually looked at the Johnny Cakes file at all today? Hell no. Do you even know who Johnny Cakes is? Not a clue. Had you gotten at least 90% of the gifts you had on your list by 1pm? Um, yeah! Why? Because you’re a sneaky a little shit.

Unless you’re shooting for a silly plaque on the wall that says you were Employee of the Week for a hot minute, then there’s no sense in changing your ways now. And Cyber Monday is here to confirm that it’s those employees who avoid work today more than usual and tell their boss more than a few lies, who will have their holiday shopping done by 6pm. That’s what holidays are all about, right? Shopping? Excessive, obnoxious amounts of shopping for things that most people already have and yet insist they need more of but just in a different color. Commerce at its best.

Don’t worry. The Johnny Cakes file will still be there tomorrow, but as for you, that’s still up for debate. If you can’t lie to your boss like a pro, then there’s no telling where you’ll be tomorrow. Sure, your couch at home is comfy if you lose your job, but how the hell are you supposed to spend money now?

So be cool. Lie with with everything you have, some dignity and a shit ton of class. And don’t forget to order something for your boss, too. If you’re going to be an extra shitty employee today, you might as well make it into a humorous occasion.

Happy online shopping!

 

Photo: someecards

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