Today, FOX News filed a rather grave announcement that 1) there’s a war on men, 2) women are losing that war. The reasons for our loss are manifold, but mostly it’s because we’re angry and defensive and have jobs, and feminism has taught us to think of men as the enemy (we share your bewilderment that the term feminazi was not once employed). Ahead, editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff parse out the intricacies of this exciting new battle and determine what’s at stake (besides pretty dresses).
Jennifer: So. How are we winning the war on men?
Ashley: Well, I think we’re losing because “Women aren’t women anymore” (real quote). Rather, if men are losing, then everybody’s losing. Wait, no. I’m actually confused. There’s a war on men except women are the ones who are losing? Because men are losing? The logic is pretty opaque. How can everyone be losing this war? Is it really a war, in that case, or just a bunch of losers who refuse to marry each other? “War,” makes it sound sexier, I guess. Anyway, when did you realize you were no longer a woman?
Jennifer: When I sold my vagina for gold and tech stocks.
Ashley: That’s just prudent, though. That’s not a war on men.
Jennifer: It makes it a little hard to walk, which is probably why I always have to wear pants, not the long flowing flower patterned dresses of yore.
Ashley: And aprons! Remember the aprons? They were beautiful. What’s your favorite shade of linen?
Jennifer: I have an apron! Who am I kidding? I also have a closet full of floral patterned dresses.
Ashley: Yeah, me too.
Jennifer: No you don’t, don’t lie. You mocked me for my floral dresses all through college. You’re why I’m not a woman anymore.
Ashley: You were so heteronormative. You still are, though, your dresses are just more abstract.