Pear Shaped? You Should Only Carry An Envelope Bag (Or Else You’ll Look Fat!)

This purse is pissed at you for having thighs.

Earlier today, ABC News posted a style guide by Tracey Lomrantz Lester, contributing Style Editor of Glamour.  In it, she explains what body types should be paired with which bags to “compliment” them the most.

Tall women are supposed to have tote bags, because “you’re [sic] long arms will be accentuated as you carry the tote in hand. Choose one with a rounded shape or shimmering textures to give some contrast to a tall and possibly straight shape.”

As for smaller women, “Believe it or not, petite women can carry oversized bags.” Thank god for small miracles, ladies! “I don’t recommend a cross-body or sling bag, which will overwhelm your shape.” This is good advice, as the leading cause of death for women under 5’4″ is suffocation by purse.

For “curvy women,” she recommends “trying something with more structure, like a Kelly-style bag or a doctor’s satchel. This is going to provide great, sharp lines.”

And body type commonly referred to as “pear shaped” (even though it’s a nondescript somewhat objectifying term)? Lester says you should “opt for a clutch that has a detachable small strap and tuck it under your arm for easy carrying. Avoid clutches that hang too low and add unnecessary bulk below your waist. Small cross-body bags are adorable, but they work like an arrow pointing straight to your hips and booty. Instead, draw the eye upward with an envelope clutch you can hold above your waist.” Um, does that mean my ass is “necessary bulk”?

This is stupid. This is so stupid.

Pictured: Angry curvy girl (me)

When those “best bikinis to flatter your body shape” articles roll around, telling women to “disguise round tummies” with one-pieces or sheet metal or chameleon skin, I get angry. I realize many women want to read those articles, but it doesn’t mean I’m not frustrated by them anyway.

However, giving women yet another piece of fashion to be afraid of looking bad with their shape–you know, because there’s obviously only four or five body types–is even more ridiculous. It just perpetuates the myth that all women should be buying and dressing to look thinner. Never mind the fact that purses have a completely practical purpose: to carry your shit.

I typically keep a laptop, tablet, phone, makeup, wallet and several hard candies on me at all times. I do not have room for all of those things in an envelope purse, nor do I even like envelope purses 95% of the time.

Ladies, you need don’t “draw the eye” away from anything. You don’t need to “contrast” your bag’s shape with your body. You don’t need to carry an annoying, rectangular bag because you have wide hips. Just keep using your favorite purse.

Photo: TheMaveSite

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    • Maggie

      Oh my god. Here’s some fashion advice: See a purse? Like it? Okay then, buy it. I refuse to believe that the best purse for me is a stupid envelope clutch because I’ve got back. Yeesh.

    • DreaTheGreat

      Thank you, this was beautifully refreshing :)

    • Candace

      I have broad shoulders. Guess I’m not allowed to have a purse.

    • JennyWren

      I don’t understand this. How is tucking a bag under your arm in any way easier than carrying it on your shoulder? If you carry a bag at waist level won’t that theoretically turn you into a visual cone shape and just make things worse? The only possible way this advice would seem to work is if you were holding your bag at the same level as your boobs (which, again, doesn’t seem possible) or possibly above your head. It’s crappy advice in that it’s a crap idea, but it’s also an idea that fails to work even according to it’s own logic.

    • Amanda

      I didn’t realize purses could make someone look fat. I have never in my entire life looked a girl and thought “Wow that purse makes her look fat. If only she hadn’t chosen that cross-body bag that is acting like an arrow pointing at her hips and booty”. I’ve probably looked at those girls and thought “Wow, I wish I had a butt like that since mine is ridiculously flat.”

      • lucygoosey74

        I admit, I once saw a very overweight woman carrying a teensy tiny purse and thought about how wrong it looked. I had never thought about a purse potentially making someone look fat until I witnessed this.

    • Sami

      A few months ago, they had a segment on how to appear taller. They recommended 5 inch heels with a 6 inch top hat. I kid you not! Yes, I’d love to walk around all day in a top hat. Everyone will think I grew overnight,..

    • Tanisha L. Ramirez

      I’m convinced that fashion hates women. “Experts” are constantly telling women how they can look taller or slimmer. How about just embracing what your momma and/or McDonalds gave ya, and rocking it with confidence. I don’t have time to flip through a fashion rule book or cleverly disguise my pear-shaped body with strategically shaped bags, a certain cut of jeans and a particular shirt length. I just want to go outside and not be naked, because it’s too damn cold outside and I ride the splooge-riddled subway. That is all! *drops mic*

    • QueenDiva

      Really?! Purses that make you look fat. Dumbest crap I’ve ever heard!