The Do’s And Don’ts For Surviving An Accidental DIY Colonic

I have a friend named Adrienne whom I trust implicitly in all things New Age-y. Adrienne was the only one in our group of friends to make good on the oft-mentioned – but never-enacted – threat of quitting office life and traveling the world. While the rest of us toiled behind desks (and still do), Adrienne waited tables, made more than all of us combined (still does), and the pretty much spent all of her 20s riding elephants in India before spending a month in Vietnam before jetting to South America. If I could do it all over again, I’d be Adrienne.

Which is why one day, when she tipped me off to a place in our neighborhood that was offering a deal on colonics, I didn’t question it. I’d heard a lot about this ritual? (procedure? exorcism?) but was nervous to try it for reasons I’m sure are fairly obvious (and if they are not, you are braver than I am.) I asked Adrienne if she had ever done it and she assured me it was worth it.  So I purchased the discounted session and booked straight away.

However, Adrienne and I had two wildly different experiences in this salon? (torture chamber? place where innocence goes to die?) And I would be doing all of womankind a grave disservice if I didn’t share what to do if you find yourself in a situation where your aesthetician? (woman who may actually be the psychopath from Saw?) doesn’t very clearly explain exactly what is supposed to be happening or why she hates you so much.*

Anyway, here are some helpful tips should you find yourself in this unfortunate (but kind of hilarious like three weeks later?) situation.

From, um, someone who has been there.

*Despite the fact that a small part of me very well may have died that day, my friendship with Adrienne remains firmly intact.

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    • Timm Stifter

      Hilarious & Terrifying at the same time. Well done and glad you survived.

    • Irish1028

      I laughed and sort of cringed through the whole story. Thank you for the information and the humor!

    • Julia

      Please learn how to write before you publish “articles” like this. The inappropriate and exsessive exclamation marks and use of umm marks you as a low grade point average barely-graduated-from-high-school child who has no idea how to write in a mature, respectable manner. I felt like I was reading a journal entry of a brain dead fourteen year old. Please go to college and take some english and journalism courses. If you have things of value to say these courses will serve you. You will be able to get your thoughts down on paper more coherently and others will want to read your work rather than not being able to finish your first paragraph.

      • Katrina

        You could take some courses on how to develop a sense of humor.
        Or, better yet, you can piss off.

    • Jerusha Amelia Sukhdeo

      Good heavens. But thanks for sharing — seriously!