If you knew what was good for you, you’d never leave the house without whiskey. This is not the suggestion of some mildly intoxicated blogger (actually, Monday is Coffee-Only Day in these parts), but something to which doctors can attest. Did you think the invention of the flask was a mistake? Perhaps, a glorious miracle that just fell from the heavens? No. It was made by mankind because since its creation, whiskey has been an important staple in both good times and healing. Yes, healing. Denis Duthie is living proof that whiskey SAVES LIVES, or at the very least stops blindness, but probably SAVES LIVES, too.
After drinking himself silly at a 50th anniversary party on a strict intake of vodka, the 65-year-old Duthie — who’s been a diabetic for 20 years now, so diabetics please take note — went blind. He was rushed to an intensive care unit in New Zealand where the vodka-loving lad resides, and lay there sans sight while the doctors mulled over exactly what they could do to bring him back from his darkness.
When it was deduced that he was suffering from “formaldehyde poisoning” (that’s some crazy shit ton of vodka that would do that), they realized the only way to fix him back up was with a nice shot of Johnnie Walker whiskey fed directly into his body. Via a tube in his nose, the whiskey was pumped into his gut and… voila! Eye sight restored, and future good times to be had! He claims he can even see better now than he did when he went in to the hospital. Fancy that!
There are two lessons to take away from Duthie’s heroic tale: 1. Moderation is key, you guys. The only time time you want formaldehyde poisoning is when you’re dead on a gurney waiting for someone to do your make-up for your wake. 2. Whiskey is your friend. Maybe not your best friend, but it definitely will come through when you really need it. As we can see, this isn’t malarkey; this is science. You can’t argue science.
Photo: Johnnie Walker