Behold, The Worst Birthday Card For A 13-Year-Old Girl Ever Made By A Real Card Company!

Do you think teenage girls should start being objectified as early in life as possible? Do you think “childhood” is just an excuse for females to put off the endless quest for a sugar daddy that every woman’s life should center around? Do you know a special little girl who has a birthday coming up?

Then you might consider purchasing this card, which reads:

You’re 13 today!
If you had a rich boyfriend
He’d give you diamonds and rubies
Well, maybe next year you will —
When you’ve got bigger boobies!

No, seriously. This is a real card sold by Hallmark, for people to give to children. Children with small boobies, or maybe none at all. Happy birthday!

Rather than try to defend the card’s obvious terribleness, Hallmark has released a statement blaming the fuck up on some sort of wormhole that opened up in space-time, allowing a very bad card from the past to offend present day sensibilities:

“This card was produced by Creative Publishing prior to Hallmark Cards acquiring the company in 1998. We are as surprised and horrified as anyone else to have discovered that there are still copies in circulation. The card has not been produced for over 15 years and would never pass our own strict guidelines of taste and appropriateness. We would like to assure all our customers that we will do everything in our power to track down remaining copies.”

Ah, the late nineties. I remember them well. Shit was like Mad Men back then! Thank God the women’s liberation movement was birthed around the turn on the millennium to put those gross attitudes to rest.

Should we hold Hallmark accountable for the things Creative Publishing did before they purchased it? Do we believe that no one at Hallmark knew about it? And how’d it get into stores anyway, if it hasn’t been produced since 1998? To make up for any trouble they have caused with this, Hallmark will now donate $1 million to the Childhood Breast Augmentation Fund International.

(Via Jezebel)

Share This Post:
    • Angee

      Wow…just wow. Let’s make girls feel insecure as young as possible, k?

    • Cee

      Wow this just trashes all girls in one birthday card…girls with small boobs suck and girls with big boobs can use them to be gold diggers, at the age of 13/14. Ugh

    • lucygoosey74

      Yeah, this card would have really fucked with my mind, had I received it on my 13th birthday. I was already insecure enough!

    • needfreespeech

      Hallmark is officially in the trash. Sadly, they’re giving women what they want. Look at the crap on the hallmark channel: shallow, childish drama laden entertainment.

    • Eric Gant

      The message that this sends to young women is horrific. If I had a daughter and somebody gave this to her I would knock that person on their ass. Shame on Hallmark…and shame on the idiot who wrote that freaking card. I

      • Unknown

        Yeah, because physical violence is such a better example to show your child.

      • Tony

        Yes, in this case it would be.

    • mike

      leave it be. so what. someone made a humorous card. i’d give it to a woman with massive mammaries on her 23rd birthday, she’d have a laugh. humor will always offend people, just not the same people everytime, unless its tipper gore, then she will always be offended.

      • Lisa(r)

        “humor will always offend people, just not the same people everytime”

        A person doesn’t have to victimize somebody else, especially a thirteen-year-old child, to be funny. (This card might jokingly be given to a 23 year old, but that was not its maker’s intention.) Better to joke about topics less hurtful and potentially damaging than kids’ body images and ideals (like being a gold digger vs. happily employed person). A person with a talent at humor can be versatile enough to stay within limits and still be funny.

    • Free your mind

      The perpetual worship of sex. Not the author of the cards fault; (s)he is just an innocent victim of the omnipresent indoctrination of sex worship in our culture. We used to live for religion, now that religion is being debunked what will fill the void it has left? Materialism and sex worship. It’s actually quite simple…

      • Christian Link

        yes, because i dont go to your church, i totally worship the almighty sex god instead. get off your high-horse, this is an obvious joke card not meant to actually be given to a 13yo. and judge not lest ye be judged yourself, materialistic computer/phone user,besides, have you even seen a country’s culture outside of the US? a lot more “sexual worship” out there

    • Jennifer Bouchard

      Im disgusted.

    • Jessica Albieri Styers

      Awful card. If I had a store I wouldn’t sell it. It implies women can only get things if they have a man and only if they have big boobs. The ones who made up this card are boobs.

    • Chris

      Okay, my daughter has a weird sense of humor, and she would have laughed her ass off, knowing it is a joke, but I really would have been mad if someone actually gave her this card. It would have been a card she would have just picked up and laughed at and put it back. I wouldn’t give it to a 13 year old, but I would give it to someone in their 20s as a joke.

    • Buck

      Hey ! Everybody seems to be enthralled with Mohammed , and these girls were probably to old to appeal to him , Plus now that Anal sex is so popular they can enjoy it without losing their virginity ( as if that were still an issue ) . Why should I be concerned by a thirteen year olds insecurities , my penis is STILL to small and I have to live with that . The very insignificant point I am trying to make is , when a society minimizes and disses morality please don’t bitch when you catch your kids having sex with the family pets . Yeah ! that homosexual agenda thing has NOTHING to do with pandoras box . ( and no , Pandora is NOT a thirteen year old girl .

    • Jeff Berlat

      I thought it would read, Happy Birthday, Keep your legs closed.

    • Dana

      1998 wasn’t the Stone Age – it wasn’t appropriate then either. In fact, I can’t think of anytime in history it would have been.

    • Deanna

      I can’t believe the language in this article; regardless of the tastelessness of this card, this article seems as if it were written by a teenager with potty mouth.

      • MovieMom Charger

        Exactly. I agree.

    • MovieMom Charger

      Awful card. But Jamie Peck’s language is not much better.

    • mike b

      Their defense was not that it was so long ago that it was somehow ok their point is this was never approved by anyone at Hallmark and they have not and do not produce the card. As usual though society loves to be outraged and wants someone to blame. The fact is though it was an ignorant card that Hallmark had zero to do with. As for how this card is around now if it has not been produced in 15 years I think the answer is pretty simple that somewhere it was sitting for sale all this time. I really do not think it would have been flying off the shelves or anything…..

    • rickcain2320

      “Hey little girl you’re 13, you’re fat you probably should stop eating”